Friday, July 26, 2013

Everything Else

Once you take a moment to evaluate your surroundings, everything else in life can wait.

I've been incessantly sick, on and off since late April. I guess things just happened one after another.
It all started with a common cold, after which (and to this day in almost August), I haven't been able to quite get a pop from my ears.
Then came the very ugly food poisoning and oh my goodness was that painful and unnecessary. Days after the food poisoning, I experienced a decent but "crampier" period, and about a week after that, I fell sick with bronchitis (ain't nobody got time for that). The cough is 90% gone, the fat people breathing is still 70% there, and the phlegm in my throat is just chillin' there.

Just grand.

But I won't complain. Most days I do feel really good. My friend brought over a cat, so she keeps me company when I am home alone. However, she has claimed Luis as her personal territory and spends a greater part of her day coming up to me to bite me. It used to be cute but that really hurts now. The only time she was being indifferent about my presence is whenever Luis was home but now she doesn't care, she attacks me either way.
I don't think I want her as my cat. Haha.

With the exception of Anime Expo, my cousins Jose and David have been coming over every weekend, regardless of whether I work or not. It's all good. Jose brings over some cool board games such as Pandemic and Catan, and they each take at least an hour to finish playing. Their mom is getting in the habit of sending food over whenever they're coming over so we don't starve- which I really appreciate.

I still go to work, not as much as I'd like, but the week I finally had hours, I called in sick one day. Grrr.

Oh yeah, Luis bought me a DS off of Craigslist. I'm in love with it...and I'm gonna play now. (Insert smiley face here.)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tuesday, July 16, 2013; 11:22 A.M. EST

I was posting something last night, but I ended up falling asleep with the phone in my hand.
I'm not gonna finish that post, I'll just update the world on my happenings at another time.

This morning, I woke up at around ten, checked my Instagram, and saw that Kandee Johnson had posted a memorial photo for little Talia.
My heart sank, but I remembered that the "Angels for Talia" page would confirm what Kandee was saying. And yes. Talia left this earth, took her lovely spirit with her, and flipped cancer off for good.

That moment this morning is still very surreal, I haven't lost many people in my life, but I have lost a family member, back in 2001. He battled a lifelong disease that had no name, no how, and no cure. He had been in the hospital for six months before giving in. I was only able to see him twice: once, very unhappy, sick, unable to speak, and the second time in his mass before his funeral. He had a very sly smile on his face, he looked so at peace, happy, without a single fuck that we were all standing next to him, crying, still bargaining with the world in hopes of bringing him back.
So today, I don't want to cry, even though the knots, the sunken feeling, and the bubbly wet eyes are not being cooperative.

Times like these, we must remember that we are simply spirits, borrowing a physical form so as to communicate with one another. Talia did just that. She was diagnosed with cancer and took a stand on it and let the world know that children also have a voice. She shouted to the world that there are many organizations who want to give a voice to children with cancer, and while temporarily successful, the fighting torch has been handed to us by her today. Today, tomorrow, and until there is a goddam cure for cancer in children, we must continue to carry the torch, for Talia, and for every child who has been taken from their families before they get a chance to live their lives. From now on, we refer to Talia's legacy, which is bigger than life, and we use it to find drive and determination for those that are still here.
I want to thank Talia, because without her presence in my life, I would not have learned about the little bits (literally!) being done to help children battle their cancers. I want to thank her because I've realized that life cannot be lived when you let the obstacles stop you. That's what life IS. Life is a series of obstacle courses, and we must overcome them to see how life will reward us. Life does reward us, we just have to be patient and willing to work for it. But above all, terminal illness or not, you make the most of every day of your life. The more you make of your day, the more ventures you'll experience. The more you waste, the less of a chance you have of accomplishing the things you want out of your life.

I want to send my condolences to Talia's entire family, but especially Desiree, and Mattia, who have been by Talia from beginning to end; who unfortunately will feel the scar of her transition forever, and will need to accept Talia's leaving as a temporary goodbye and sign of eternal comfort and happiness for Talia herself. I don't need to be the one to tell you that you two had someone special by your side, the fact is, you still have her. Her memory, the essence of her perseverance, her kind heart, her personality are gifts that she has left with you, and everyone who welcomed her story into their hearts. I cannot imagine losing my Julia the way you've lost Talia, so I extend my heart, my full support, and I have made it my mission to join the Talia army, to rally and gather voices in hopes that they will be as loud a Talia's. I'm very hurt for her passing, but the must painful thing of all will be not seeing her pretty face, hearing her voice when we miss her the most. But those are physical things. Her spirit lives, and oh my God is her spirit vibrant. Her legacy will continue to inspire many, and one day, no child will go through what this angel was submitted to with cruelty. Talia's personality will be remembered, her perseverance, her actions, everything will always be here. I've never fallen in love with such charisma, but Talia was definitely a different energy.

Talia, baby girl, oh baby girl...
We will have to do, we will have to move on, and I'm gonna miss you, and I'm gonna cry for you, and your battles will not go in vain. Thank you for making your presence known for good. Your cancer was like a thorn being inserted in the hearts of those who loved you most, your passing is the removal of that thorn, it hurts even more as it's being taken out, but it will heal, and the scar of your pain will always be there. I can't ask anymore of you, but rest.
Rest in peace Talia Joy Castellano.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

22

Julie turns 22 today, we got so old so quickly, I don't even remember her 21st birthday. Haha.
Luis has left for the north, and I'll be home alone today. I was supposed to meet with Johnny, Julie's friend to buy her a bicycle, but last minute, my mother changed her mind and decided to give her the money later so she can choose her own bike. Whatever, it's not like I traded shifts to get this task done or anything...

But whatever. Seriously.

Last night I was writing a letter to Talia, she seems to be doing a little better and that brings joy to my heart, but at the same time, I wonder if this will affect her psychologically. Anyway, I think that while we were really wanting her to stay, recuperate, and do things that a lot of us get to do in the growing up process, we all knew that for that moment of agony and pain, it was best to say goodbye and try to meet up with her in heaven.
Still, I'm happy. Don't get the wrong idea, there's still a lot of confusion, mixed feelings, and thoughts about life...
No one ever enjoys seeing their loved ones go, let alone to bully diseases or illnesses like cancer. She's still in my prayers, she's still in my mind, and I'm still trying to live my life with a more positive outlook. This isn't just for Talia anymore, but also for myself, because health is the only thing that ever impedes anyone from living a plentiful (except for Talia, she's a ninja) life...and if I have my health, so I have no excuses. Just keep swimming.
Oh yeah, the letter, I filled up many pages, so I think I'm gonna try to finish the journal and then I will send it to her.

That's all on me right now. I'm gonna try to take a nap, I have to shop for Luis's birthday present...I wanna make this the best birthday ever for him. I flake on him every year. I'm such a dirty, cheap, nothing to him. Sometimes I really wonder if there's anything I give him that some other girl wouldn't give him...
Aaah, I don't wanna torture myself with that right now.

Byeee.

Monday, July 8, 2013

My Fascination with Hope and Compromise

I was in Los Angeles today, I got to go shopping with Luis in the Fashion District and went home with earrings, some bras, a ring, and what might be the best imitation (if not the real thing...though fingers crossed) of Urban Decay's Naked palette. The lady at the shop let me pick colors to swatch and if I liked what I saw, I could buy if for very cheap. I went for it, I know the colors and variations of the real deal and they're identical, so I went for it. (#dontjudgeme)
I continued to shop and some other shops had other collections from Mac and Smashbox, and some looked good, and others didn't, and some were ridiculously cheap that even I wouldn't go for it. But whatever, if you're ever on a money crunch, I think that these items are second best.
I did see an authentic site (it looked pretty legit) and their makeup collection was huge! I had a vanitygasm. I found a palette for BH Cosmetics that really caught me eye, and I may have bought it if it weren't for the fact that it reminded me so much of little Talia.
I've decided to go back for it as soon as I can.

Talia...her parents had a psychic go in to see her today, feeding the hope of their souls and those concerned- close, distant, and just worried overall.
I don't know if I believe in psychics, but in times of emotional crisis, I think we lose all skepticism towards untried and unreliable methods. I'm glad they had her go in. Apparently, moments after the psychic was done with her session, Talia was able to be awake for about thirty minutes and even asked for something to drink. She even posted a photo of some phone cases she'd ordered on her Instagram account. I felt relief, really emotional, but overall happy for those news.
Hope.

And the bartering with our future selves when we want our hopes to be the outcome...
I think we've all done it.
I know I have.
I just did.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Night of Vigilantes

I had to force myself to sleep the past two days, and I wasn't very successful at it.
I've been logging on to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to see if I find anything news about Talia. So far, nothing has changed. I wish...things were different.

Like maybe if it were me in her place. Because an innocent soul like hers doesn't deserve to be disrespected the way life has trampled her. Or maybe if the doctors suddenly walked in with a magical serum that cured her in its entirety. Or if her parents went against her wishes and tried an unconventional method, such as Christina Pirello's whole foods way... or attempting something unorthodox that would work.
But I'm thinking about the suffering for the thousands of people trending her hashtag right now, people including myself that have a spark as bright as the twinkle in her eye that this isn't happening and that we will all wake up from a horrible dream.
And it's selfish because in trying to protect our feelings, we aren't taking into consideration everything that this journey marks. Over five years of going in and out of hospitals, submitting your body to incredibly harsh chemicals and radiants that not only cause damage and horrible side-effects, but are also really bad for the body.

But... I argue with myself, over and over. And stubborn me always has buts...
But I don't understand. All I know is that after not eating for so long, and lingering between the thin lines of life and death, she hasn't left, then why give up? She's stubborn in her own way, she's still fighting, despite the entire world of logic against her, she's still here. Why won't they make a last effort to try the irrational... there's a man that has healing sessions with his hands, and there's ways of introducing horrible diseases that can be controlled but will kill the cancer cells. There's alternatives, they have the means of getting these people to her, and if they said they didn't, all they'd have to do is look at the internet posts under #prayfortalia to realize that they have crews full of support.

I'm gonna continue to pray...

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Little Girl VS All Odds

Tonight, as I write this, little Talia Joy may be transitioning or have completed her journey from life to death.

I don't think that I've ever been as affected by something and have seen it affect people on a global scale. My thoughts, prayers, and deepest sympathies are with the Costellano family, whom are the greatest victims of this disease aside from Talia.
I'm out of words, but at the same time, there's a plethora of questions I have for the "greater being" that we all pleaded to in this time of darkness. They say, "God will only take the good ones," and my only remark to that is yes- because you gave them cancer and took their life and any chance of actual life from them.

Tonight I'm not just shattered, I'm angry, frustrated, and really confused. Because these things are held with greater understanding when they occur to "old" people; but Talia wasn't even a teen when she was thrown in the cage with this beast, and she battled it to the end, but anyone of us would have flinched and ran as far as our feet would let us go... I don't understand why her. Why the child, and not the adult with some years under their belt. Someone so small...and something so big, that it literally consumed whatever life was left. It's not fair, and I don't understand. I don't understand why the greater being let that happen, or why it wasn't taken away as soon as it happened. I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED. AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND, because any explanation to any of this is a rigged and corrupt response. It's disgusting and malicious, this life. That crap, that crap you get told that she got "it" because God knew she could handle it, it's poor judgment on anyone's behalf, even God if those were his real thoughts. Are you really up there? Who's really up there? Did you fall asleep? You senile old thing! Answer me, I have questions, I have had questions but in the meantime, all I'm hearing are death counts rising, the world destroying itself by us, and instead of guiding us with your love and direction, you let little innocent children battle enormous cancer monsters, what the fuck?!

I don't want to argue with my mind anymore. I don't even care if my head levels itself out and regrets everything I just said. I don't care, I don't understand. Because Talia still tried to make the most of her life. She continued to walk the path of life, more so than that, she really tried to sprint to see what was at the end. And it depresses the shit out of me, because we will surpass the point where she left off, and won't have a choice but to keep moving. Keep walking, without her, without anyone that is leaving or has already left us.
My only comfort is that there are no paths where she's going. She's free to roam where her little self desires. There are no such things as cancer, and if there are, they get to eat shit and live in a cage much too small for it. There is no pain, it's just a good place to be. The people that made you happy in your lifetime get to join you when their time to stop walking the path gets there. There is never darkness, it smells good, it literally feels heavenly, it is everything you weren't able to stop for while walking your path in life, it's all there and it's all inclusive.
I know she didn't wanna go, I know she had other plans for her life, but in the end, she succumbed, maybe because a realtor angel convinced her that life after walking that stupid painful path is not even comparable to what awaited her.

Oh Talia, baby girl and little angel from up above...
I'm gonna miss you more than words can say. I'm gonna think about you, and everything you still managed to do, even in your sickest days whenever I feel like there's too much on my plate. I'm gonna think of you, whenever I think that a simpleton virus like the flu its trying to bring me down, and I'll remember that not even a Stage IV Neuroblastoma was able to take you down so easily. But most of all, in my days of anxiety, sadness, and depression, I'll remember how you overcame so many things with that giant beast trying to tackle you down.

May the angels in heaven welcome your entrance with a round of applause. I'm crying and I'm fighting the urge to shout to the universe that I'd rather have you here. Be pain free, and just keep swimming into the light. I love you Talia.

Friday, July 5, 2013

#prayfortalia

My heart goes out to the family and constant crew out there supporting little Talia.
No news yet on her current condition have been revealed, but it's been circulating that she's, for lack of better words, at her weakest yet, going in and out of sleep, and in a lot of pain.

Most times, when I find out about people suffering in the hospital due to illness and other things, I feel that their best remedy is for them to rest in the eternal realm.
But not for Talia. She has fought so hard and has stayed positive as much as she could, that I honestly believe that her battles are not yet lost. There is a globe of people throughout the internet tonight, proving that what I'm saying is true because they all have faith in her. I have faith in her. I have learned from her, and I wish to thank her because any other person, young or old would have deteriorated at the news of her diagnosis. She is one of the few and genuine people I know of in the entire planet, and maybe thinking selflessly, but we're not ready to say goodbye to this angel on earth. Because of her, I have raheem a more blunt approach to life and have learned to treasure and be thankful for my health and for my current position in my life, because without my health, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Just every type of fear is overwhelming me tonight. Someone near and dear to my mother passed away two days ago because of cancer, and I learned about both Talia and mother's friend today.
I've heard of cases where cancer takes the soul out of the weak, but restores faith in humanity in others. At least for Talia, I feel that it has done that. I really wish I knew her in person, so I could thank her for going blunt and public with her battle. I want to thank her for showing the world herself and exposing us to her presence. I want her to be healthy, full of hair, and covered in makeup, taking photos and being a little annoying rascal like all kids her age. I wanna see YouTube videos five years from now with her showing us her boyfriend and her being a total bratty teenager...

There's just do much the world hadn't seen and that she hasn't done. I will continue to pray, to send my best wishes towards an image of her and hope that the rest of the world will too.

I just needed to vent. I'm angry at the world. This week has been really overwhelming for me and all I can say is that tomorrow will be another day. I dislike cancer, I wish it were eliminated from every body in the planet and made extinct for good. I wish no more persons ever go through treatments and that we all live a more filling and healthier life.
Good night.

#prayfortalia

Monday, July 1, 2013

The Melancholy Weekend

This weekend was great. Saturday, Luis got home with a grilled chicken sub, and the company of Jose and David.
We played on the N64 for many hours, and after I took a very nice refreshing shower, we headed out to dinner at the Hawaiian BBQ. Everything was going great, when suddenly I got a stomach cramp (I swear, it was out of nowhere). I let it pass a couple of times but after the third and most painful one, I rushed to the restroom. If you've ever had diarrhea before, then you know what that was and what happened next. But I had no idea, this was the second time in my life that this happened to me. Haha. I know, tmi, but this is so new to me.
So we rushed home, I ran to the bathroom, and after being able to finally get up, I took an Imodium pill and I was all better.
At around one in the morning, we were all still playing and I told Luis that I was hungry, so he reheated the chicken I hadn't eaten at the restaurant. We continued to play, and my cousins went ahead and spent the night over at our place. Sometime in the early hours of the morning I felt so nauseous, but I couldn't throw anything up. Again, the chills came in, except for this time, I had a fever. Worried, Luis gave me some cold and flu syrup, and once again, I went back to sleep. They ate without me, but I wasn't hungry, and I continued to go in and out of sleep until it was time for me to get ready for work.

On the way to work I had a fever again, I didn't have any ibuprofen or aspirin on me, and the only quick fix was an iced coffee from McDonalds. It worked great until the air conditioner at work went on what felt like full blast (I think it's because the room I sit in is right underneath the a/c vent). The worst hours of my life (cue dramatic music) ensued. I got so cold that towards the end of my shift, I had lost all feeling on the index, and middle fingers, and later thumb of my right hand. Even after the air conditioner went off, I was still a giant popsicle and nothing was letting me melt. Embarrassingly enough, I think the manager caught on because he sent me home an hour earlier than my scheduled shift.
After I got home, Luis stuffed my face with more cold and flu medicine, and very quickly, I was asleep again. We had concluded that if the fever and chills didn't go away by morning, he'd call in to work and I'd be in the hospital by ten. That didn't happen and the only real pains I feel this morning are in my lower back and knees. The rest of my body is just really sore, and I'm hungry.

I made it though. The thing that gives me most comfort is that I didn't freak my cousins out, I think that after years of living with them, they know how easily I get sick. Haha. I am thankful to the entire universe for Luis, because without him, I'm pretty sure I would have let myself rot in painful solitude.

I started a class today, but given that I have to go to work, and my condition, it was best to let it be. I feel disappointed but my mind is telling me that it's okay. I finally have some hours and I'd rather take advantage of them than miss a day because I spent my little bit of energy on a class...if that makes any sense at all.

I'm finds find something to eat now.
Byeee.