Tuesday, July 8, 2014

4th of July, 2013

Kinda late, but I had to write about a date, a few days past a year ago that marked my life and though I now think back and feel absolved of most pain, the feeling back then was so much different.

It was a 4th of July in 2013, I was playing with my little niece, Julia. She was prancing around in her new pink bathing suit. She was ready to head out to the beach with her mom and Godfather.

I remember I took a photo of her and was about to post it on Instagram, but as usual, I scrolled my feed for any new photos. While I scrolled, I saw something, that pivotal moment that sank my heart and made me look at my niece for a moment, and back at what I was seeing.

There was a post from Kandee Johnson letting her viewers know about Talia Joy Castellano, the little girl who up to this point had spoken openly and fearlessly about her cancer, was suffering, in a lot of pain.
I knew that Talia had been battling neuroblastoma for a while now, but honestly, her condition, the way she carried herself, for being such a young girl, it all became a constant that just WAS. Back then, as today, I am a lover of beauty gurus on YouTube, and Talia, at a young age always represented all that was cheerful, vibrant, and talented.  That's all I saw. Up until that 4th of July, the baldness, the fact that this CHILD was battling such an aggressive disease had never registered in my head as something serious.

I remember seeing that post, and looking at my niece who was smiling, trying to pick up a wooden block with her tiny foot, being silly, being a child.  The sudden thought that Talia, not much older than my niece was on a whole different wavelength, than my child broke my heart into pieces.  That one post of awareness opened up a window of worry, doubt, anger, pain, and melancholy.  I then began to follow and spread the word and use the PrayForTalia hashtag.  I remember not being able to enjoy the rest of my fourth, it also happened to be my sister-in-law's birthday, but that one post had me anchored down to my phone.  I depended on that tiny device so much, constantly checking my Instagram, checking my Twitter, checking my Facebook in hopes of learning something new.  That night, and pretty much every night to follow, I remember always feeling incredibly sad.  I wanted to meet the girl, as if though my presence there would have made a difference, but I knew that having met her, so much as online, had already changed my life.  I prayed hard.  I prayed on my knees, I spoke out loud in hopes that a greater being, the universe or a very talented doctor heard my pleas and fixed everything.  I felt deep sadness for the weight laying on the shoulders of Talia's mother, her sister, her father, and those who had a deep bond with her.  I prayed for them too.

Ever since that fourth of July, I began to not let the little problems worry me, especially during this time.  When I had the chance, I would post a #prayfortalia post, but most nights, I kept my strong feelings about everything to myself.

And the world remained the same to me until early morning of July 16 2013.
I woke up feeling the rush that I had to get up, I was about to travel up north and my ride would be picking me up soon.  But first and foremost of course, feed my social media addiction by checking my phone.  Talia wasn't even in my head that morning.  I was simply scrolling when I saw the post; again by Kandee Johnson, saying that we no longer need to #prayfortalia but rather pray for her family.
Dumbfounded, still confused, I clicked on the tag and saw what everyone else knew.  She had passed away. I couldn't cry. I barely moved, but I lay in bed a little while longer. Not being able to understand. After about ten minutes, I finally sat down, and I thought I was gathering my strength to finally get up and pack my bag for my trip but instead I hugged my pillow and began to sob.  I'll get back to you on that in just a moment...
I packed my things and was quiet throughout my ride up north. It was another seven hours before I got to a bed in a Holiday Inn, I set my bags down and broke down again.

And now, the reason for my sobs.
Yes, I was saddened that the little girl who had fought so bravely in the face of that monster was gone.  But from the moment I found out, I didn't see it as a battle lost. At least a million people knew about it, at least half a million people had the ability to do something, to be proactive with this information, and although tragic, I was happy that word got out and that people were doing something, at the very least, letting everyone involved know that they were aware.

The reason I wept so much that day was because the people that loved her the most, her family had to live with a physical dent in their formation moving forward.  I wept because even though Talia had come to terms with the idea of a sooner than later death, her family, those older than her, had to come to terms with the idea that they would not go before her.  Not just that, but the cruelty of life, forcing everyone that loved her and everyone that knew her to watch a child struggle, give her body away to the disgustingness that is this disease, and to watch her be consumed by it without being able do a thing but be by her side.  Nothing else.  I wept because it wasn't just her, many others, so many innocent lives had gone before her, and many more have gone after, and to this day, many more are lost in the same manner. I wept because Talia Joy could have been my niece, Talia Joy could have been me as a child, it could have been my sister, my only sister, and in the future, it could just as likely be my future children who are the chosen of this atrocity. And never have I cried at such an injustice.  But I did.

It did take a few months for me to accept it.  I can't even imagine what the days thereafter was like for her closest family members but to this day, my deep and utmost sympathy and admiration goes out to them.  I remember thinking of Talia a lot during this time last year.  In the days prior to her passing I prayed and pleaded, hoping that she would maybe wake up and be clear and absolved of all cancers and live a normal life, move on to become one of the greatest human adults that the world has ever seen, and live until she became old, and pass like normal old people do.  In the days following July 16th I remember saying a prayer for her family every time I thought of her. In the months that followed I began to realize that her purpose here was to make a difference and to bring out the meaning in her middle name, Joy.

I wanted to write this because this fourth of July I had a sinking feeling in my heart, and this is probably why.  I wanted to write this to let that little girl's family know that I still think about her and I am grateful to have known about her existence and to have experienced everything, even the bad because it has changed me as a person.  Come July 16 I will still think about her and will continue to pray for her, for those past, and for those hanging on that same thread.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I'll Try to Keep it Short and Sweet

It's been a few weeks since I last posted.  This one project I was working on went STRAIGHT TO HELL, I thought that as far as that subject goes, that's as much as it deserves to be spoke of.

Moving on, I started a new job last week, and so far... I LOVE IT.

I'll be using my lunch hours to post on my other blog which is just sitting there... collecting dust. So sad.  I'll mostly focus it on daily journal entries, beauty and fashion related. I'm also deciding that as a posting requirement, I'll have to have an image to add to the post to make it visually worthwhile.

Not so much other than that. I succumbed to lavender (what-what?) nail polish... ItsJudysLife told me to do it... subliminally. I looked for the OPI version of it, and after realizing that while everyone may consider it affordable... I decided to buy the very cheap and cheerful version at the dollar store. I got it for 99cent store. After two coats, the color payoff is darling.  So ready for spring.  (Lol, spring has been here for how long?)

Last but not least, I'm heavily investing in CD's because the commute to new job is a good hour. If there's a down-side, it's definitely the commute.  The shitty commute.  But the music makes it totally worth it. I bought a Donna Summer (mind you, most of these are "Greatest Hits" collections because I need to determine if I like their overall sound), Better Than Ezra, Outkast, Billy Idol, and Johnny Cash.

I've listened to all, except for Johnny because his turn is tomorrow and Friday. Mmm.

That's all. I love you.  Be good and be careful.  Not sure if I told you I had a dad that was never around?  I found him... well, his death certificate.  It bummed me out more than this sentence would like to admit, but it's as much of a closure as I'm ever gonna get.  I guess I'll never put a face on it... and my daddy-issues will carry on until I become a full-grown-ass-adult.  Also, I found my sister... on my dad's previous relationship... her name is Erika, and she is lovely, a cat lover (eek!), and she still doesn't know I exist.  I'm following her on IG, but I don't have the guts to tell her who I am and why I'm stalking her account and amazed at the fact that we have a lot of the same interests.  Haha.

That's my attempt at making light of the situations.

Suckit. #winkyface

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Better Days

Happy new year!

Granted, it's already February, where did my January go?!!

Well, a lot of things happened, enough for me to be distracted day by day where it didn't give me enough leisure time to write.  Jot and write and journal all of my thoughts.

It's been stressful.  Luis and I have been looking for that little bit of sunshine that comes the day after the storm... but it looks like the storm is still ongoing.
It's okay though, for some reason, every year since we moved in (we moved on in February of 2012), February, and then September-ish have been our most difficult months to overcome.

Despite the fact that I'm giving you a sob-story, a lot of good, and enjoyable things have happened in the month of January... and I feel like I'm rambling, but that's because it's more time I get to spend here... in my little crawl-space of a blog, so bear with me.

January, we started off the year with me getting horribly sick.  It was bad, my voice sounded manly, I couldn't talk without encountering phlegm in my throat (blegh), and I had fevers that wouldn't go away with plain TheraFlu.  But it shook itself out and I was good after the first seven days.  Yeah, it was no fun.
From being sick one weekend at work, I totally forgot to clock-out, and me, in my demented fever head, thought that the best thing to remediate the situation would clock out when I remembered... from home... and that I would clock in that much time later the next day.
Well, it got me in trouble.  I got a speech from the pres. and human resources that even though I expected it, I didn't wanna be there.  But things took a turn for the worse when I was suddenly accused of having clocked-in from home on several occasions.  I freaked out, even second-guessed myself, but the dagger in the back (I'm exaggerating... in case you didn't get that...) came when the lady lecturing me told me that if this occurred ever again, she would FIRE ME!  Gaaah!  As quickly as I was accused, I was able to recover the tidbit of memory that reminded me that on two occasions I had clocked in early because I started earlier (duh, but the fever, remember the fever).  Anyway, that was straightened out, but I don't feel comfortable there anymore... and I don't think I ever will.  I'm sticking it out until... I can find another job where I don't have to make eye contact with the world.
Early in January, I took my Charlotte to get spayed.  The procedure took place on a Thursday, and I was told that I'd be okay to pick her up first thing Friday morning... but come Friday morning, I got a call from one of the assistants where Charlotte was and was told that Charlotte wasn't waking up from her anaesthetic.   We rushed over to the animal hospital where she had been taken to where we found my poor little black-no-fur-in-her-belly kitten stumbling around as if though trying to recuperate from a roofie.  The people at the animal hospital went ahead and shaved the fur from her left front leg and put her on an IV and she was well enough to be picked up on Saturday afternoon.  After many days of using a cone, the check up went much better and now, she's back to normal... still taking medication that will be completed when she runs out (10 more days!).
Aside from that, we (Luis and I) got a letter being mandated to pay the sum of $7,500 for the expense that a lady had put her and her dogs through when a dog we were walking early last year attacked her dogs.  Oh gees... well, I don't know where to begin here.  But I can say a few things.  I was really angry at first.  I wanted to confront with anger but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is something that can happen to anyone.  And perhaps it's something I too would have done if I looked as bad as the lady did.  However, we only agreed to help her with the vet bill (the rest was for pain and suffering), and paid her for half of that.
My birthday was spent alone... probably like that poor dog we walked on his last day of living... we found out he was later put down for being a repeat-offender.
My birthday was also a sad day since we experienced a not-so-sudden but not looking forward to death in the family... he died peacefully in his home in Mexico at the young age of 101 years of age.  Last Sunday when we went to church, his name was honored in the list of the recently deceased and it's probably the best sendoff anyone could ask for- for someone so far away.

So this upcoming month, WE ARE BROKE.
I've started looking for a second job.  I don't know if the extra income will be coming in soon, I'm barely making $400 in my taxes this year (more or less, I really don't remember) and that should help me pay off some debts as well as get back on track with my Roth IRA.
My best friend from back in eighth grade leased the empty apartment in our complex and he actually moved in today... I couldn't be happier for him and his girlfriend of six (maybe seven) years.
Last month I was given the chance to work more hours at work, and maybe that made all the difference this past month.
Also, I'm 24, and I don't know anyone cool that is 24... but whatever.  Why is life making me so old?!!

Last things last, I have another blog, and I will begin to post neat things there when I start school at FIDM.
Yes.  FIDM.  I am so EXCITE!

Peace out!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Blog Post About an Apartment I'll Never Own Because They've All Sold Out

You don't know me.  You don't know my life.
But tonight, I will tell you that I've had an obsession since I was a little girl.  There is a building in the city of Anaheim that I've set eyes on since very early on (I can remember staring at it in awe since I was maybe four or five years old).  It's called, "The Kraemer Building" and it's a work of art.

All the time, I figured I'd get a job at the Chamber of Commerce, because that's what it housed, just to have an opportunity to be in the building as a functioning adult.

When I turned 16, the city announced that they would go ahead and give the citizens (or any buyers for that matter), a chance to live in the building.  At 16, you know this is bad news because you cannot afford a lease, and your mother is happy where she lives for $750 a month.  I continued to obsess over it even up until the point when I moved out on my own.  But yesterday, I finally reached a feat that can only be reached by a person that is truly obsessed with something: I managed to get a glimpse of the inside of one of the apartments.

Before I show you the photos I collected, I will admit, for such a glorious and majestic building, it's not all that on the inside.  It has marble countertops... but that's about it.  No hardwood floors, no laundry room (it looks like), and no black-tile luxury bathroom... I actually think that my current bathroom is bigger than the one in the photo.
HOWEVER, if there is opportunities at actually purchasing one of the apartments (or two to merge them together - muahahaha), I would not really think about it twice before I got my hands on it.  It's still a gorgeous building on the outside, and all that would be necessary would be to make those adjustments... and to get rid of that stupid electric stove, they are the worst!  Okay, okay, here goes.

This is what the building looks like on the outside.  Around this building, there is a Starbucks, a Subway, a donut shop, a Jack in the Box, a CVS, and a Vons (to name the most notable).  This building is a historical landmark to Anaheim, and it would be nice if other buildings took to looking like this one. =)

A farther view from the tiny kitchen, this seems to be the only portion in the entire complex that has hardwood flooring.  But it still looks cozy and I'm all for it.

At closer glance, you can identify that stupid electric stove, and the horrible paint job. (It's not horrible, I just don't like the color. But I'm just really picky that way.)

This, I later realized, is the layout for what might be a bigger apartment in the same building.  All cabinetry looks the same, but the floor plan for this one is definitely amplified.
This looks like the dining area for the same apartment as the one above.  This one has a little more kitchen room storage, perfect for storing dishes, wine glasses, and other things.  I really like this one.  The ceiling fan doesn't look too bad either.
This image is what looks like the living room/ dining room area.  It's rather small which gets me to thinking that there might be studio apartments as well as bigger floorplans.  

This looks like the same apartment as the one above, it almost looks as if thought the entrance to apartment is the white door next to the refrigerator... but I don't know that for sure.

More living room photos.

This might be a bedroom... but I'm obviously not sure.

I love the windows here!

More living room imagery. 
I figured that the following are all bedroom photos since they are all formatted similarly, and they all have a mirror at their door.  I really like that.

The extra large mirror would save a person about $50 for a nice one at Big Lots!

Then there's this beautiful closet mirror which is awesome because there's a lot of natural light coming in (those windows tho'), and the MIRRORS ARE HUGE!

 Finally, the bathrooms.
I can only assume that the following are for the same bathroom, and it bugs me that I can't see what type of flooring there is.

But as you can see, the doors are gorgeous, shiny, and the tiling is very white.  The toilet is very oval (haha), and it's rather small.

Still, despite my unprofessional critique, I am in love, and very glad I got the opportunity to look inside.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


In 20 days I celebrate the painful passing of my sweet, beloved Uncle Manny.  Oh God, I miss him so much, but this year I've worked really hard in convincing myself that when people go, it's to rest in eternal peace, joy, and happiness- everything we couldn't find in living form on Earth. =)

But anyway, I have good news, bad news, and middle ground updates.  Good or bad first?  Let's go with the bad.

Bad news, I went to get a glasses prescription because I felt ready to obtain a driver's license.  Well, in order to get a permit, I definitely needed glasses so there I went, only to realize that I have lost vision on the upper range of my left eye due to an optical tear that happened I don't know when and hasn't healed completely.  From there, I went to an ophthalmologist, and they saw a weakening of the nerves and possible detachment thereof.  It has been the hardest news to realize that my vision is going, and I cannot imagine my life with half-vision, but I think I've come to terms with it.  I have a follow-up check up in February of next year and the ophthalmologist hopes that with my new glasses, my eye will heal a little better.  Fingers crossed, positive thoughts, and discipline to eat healthy and wear my glasses every day!

Good news, the reason I wanted a driver's license was because I finally got a car.  It's a Datsun 280ZX and I named her Lisa.  She's absolutely gorgeous.  I'll post photos soon.

Middle ground update, I can't get a driver's permit (let alone a license) until my eye's get their shit together. Haha.

That's it for the update.  I can't complain.  Me and my Charlotte can conquer the world. Bahaha.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I started a new job and I love it, but I'm not sure they love me back.  I've been needing a car, and my asthma has expanded to a further lung problem.

But things will get better.  They always do.

In the meantime, I'll be posting on my other blog.  Follow me there and read my nonsense about fashion, home decor, and my ambitions.  I have ambitions you know. =)

I've been entering the PCH sweepstakes but I think that they're discriminatory with the younger age groups.  Contests claim that once you're over the age of 18, you're free to join their lifetime earning sweepstakes.  This current one going on is for $7000 a week for LIFE.  What?!!  That's absurd, there's no way a group running sweepstakes will give a 20 year old 7,000 dollars a week for the rest of their lives.  I've seen the past winners, and it looks like they go after the old, so that they're not drained of money, and they're probably people with some deadly medical condition.  Haha.  Okay, that's all just a speculation on my behalf, but I've never seen a young person win.
I mean, older people have long over due bills to pay, like a thousand kids, and just wanna live the last years of their lives in peace... right?
I wish PCH knew that I can't afford my education, our family had hopes that my generation would make it to college, but it just didn't happen that way.  I'm not in ridiculous debt, but my family across the border is, so are my aunt's, uncles, and mother.  I need a car, and I need lung therapy so I don't end up with one lung on by the time I turn 30.  There's people that would benefit from that much money, I think even Donald Trump would benefit from that ridiculous amount of money.  (He could buy... something that he doesn't need but wants anyway... right?  I guess.)
What would I do with an allowance of $7000 a week for the rest of my life.  I'd pay off my debts, pay off my partner's debts, and everyone's debts that include family and close friends.  I'd feel motivated enough to go and get me a driver's license, and I'd buy me a car.  I'd give certain amounts to charities throughout America and maybe I'd buy a big house in the middle of nowhere USA to house victims of abuse because this issue is near and dear to my life.  I'd buy another house and start a foundation for the youth of America for those that didn't make it to the victims of abuse house so that they could get their shit together.  I'd put a lot of kids through college, because how can we improve the stats in our nation if our youth is finding all the wrong paths and no one is telling them that they're going the wrong way.  I'd fund education in my area because it's so desperately needed, and every year, I'd buy a prom dress for girls throughout Orange County because that's something I never got.  I'd make scholarships, and create jobs for students to get experience in the normal world so that they could learn to do something other than flip burgers.
I guess I would try to assist everyone that is very vulnerable, at least at my 23 years of age, I'd try to help everyone before they reach my age and feel like they've accomplished nothing in their lives.  From my experience, there are a lot of those days.  Lots of nights in which I ponder on how things could have been differently, how I could have used the kick in the butt from a school counselor, and how I feel like I should have known better.
For myself?  I guess I'd have a lobster dinner every now and then because I've never had lobster and it just seems like a delicious food.  I'd get myself a membership at my local yoga studio because I loved it when my friend gifted me a month's membership and loved the things they did for my life.
I don't feel like the things I've done in my past, but I do feel that the younger groups in these contests should get a chance to change their lives and the lives of others.  I don't come from money, and I honestly wouldn't know what to do with that much money.  I'd cover my expenses and my family's and splurge on my education at FIDM (haha), but other than that, I don't see the need to keep everything for myself.  Extra money should always be invested, not in a stock market, it should be invested in the youth of our nation.  And not just our nation at that, there's people everywhere, but more so than that, there's people in need everywhere!  I'm not out to be a saint, but it freaks me out so much that there's people out there in worst situations than myself, and no one can, will, or is able to help them out.  I feel that some days I loathe the life I was born into, and I feel proud that I'm slowly changing things for myself, but maybe it'll be the next generation, my kids, my niece, etc. that will be the first generation of college.  That's crazy to me.

I just realized that I did a whole rant on a contest that I know I have no shot of winning at.  Haha.  Embarrassing.  But yeah, wouldn't your mind float off into space if you saw an opportunity so close and just couldn't reach it?!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Three Little Girls

Mom is beginning stages of menopause, that makes her crazy. Sister is currently in la-la-land, that makes her unreasonable, and dim-witted. Niece is currently in absorb-everything-like-sponge-stage...

So she's borderline psychotic when things don't go her way.
And I'm frustrated with all of these women because they can't, for the sake of a lovely child seem to act like the people in charge.

Abandon ship. Abort! Abort!
My little Julia isn't what she was a couple of months ago.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Charlotte's Itch

My night ended at six in the morning. I woke up at one in the afternoon.
In the midst of finally cleaning my room, I noticed Charlotte scratching like a madwoman. I began to assist her, which pleased both of us; hers, a pleasure in finally getting relief in hard to reach places, and mine in being able to show affection without being attacked. It was good. And it continued for about an hour, on and off.

Moments after my wanting to get back to room, she began scratching violently in the places where I'd helped her earlier. I felt the need to assist my friend, so I picked her up, and to my disgust, found little red critters eroding the small face of my little kitten. She was looking at me with sorry eyes and sheer panic. I panicked too but I was comforted when Luis assured me he'd go to the pet store as soon as his shift ended.
I tried giving her a dip in water/peroxide, but she freaked out and dug her claw into my hand. I think at this point, even I'm questioning why I own a pet. She ran and continued to run away from me until Luis got home.
Then it was real bath time, and my first Twitter photo will relate to you the horror that that turned out to be, for everyone. But we spent the rest of that afternoon using a flea comb trying to remove as many of those disgusting monsters from her helpless fur. I think all in all, we got a good 60-70.

And that was my day. My only meal today was a Belgian waffle, two eggs (sunny side up), and hash browns.
Seriously. My life. And here I am telling people to get their shit together.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Good Morning! (It's 1 pm)

I have been trying to stay away from social media, mostly because there's an uneventful list of events going on, and they're really uninteresting.
Also, I'll slowly be making the transition from username "Rockily" to "Rockilyyy." I know it sounds lame but it's the only way I can get everything in sync again. Start fresh, you know. Although, is it just me or is social media losing it's potency? Idk, maybe it's madness and chaos, or my points of view are changing, but sometimes I don't care about that stuff anymore.
So if you wanna start fresh with me, go to:
For now. I might (or might not) update Instagram and Twitter. Just because, there's so many posts for both of them. Hashtag, memorabilia.
Let's see...
I have a cat. Her name is Charlotte, and she is the biggest bitch I've ever known. Just...absolutely, the fluffiest one ever.
I'm also back to playing the LeafGreen version of Pokemon on my phone. My starter was Bulbasaur, and my goal is to not evolve them past their cute stage, I caught I Jigglypuff, and I started a short lived series called, "Who Is Jigglypuff Dating Now" and I think it's hilarious.
Luis and I have parted ways.
Just kidding, we're happier than ever but we're going through a difficult financial situation right now and by golly, we'll make it through this year if it kills us.
That is all.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Everything Else

Once you take a moment to evaluate your surroundings, everything else in life can wait.

I've been incessantly sick, on and off since late April. I guess things just happened one after another.
It all started with a common cold, after which (and to this day in almost August), I haven't been able to quite get a pop from my ears.
Then came the very ugly food poisoning and oh my goodness was that painful and unnecessary. Days after the food poisoning, I experienced a decent but "crampier" period, and about a week after that, I fell sick with bronchitis (ain't nobody got time for that). The cough is 90% gone, the fat people breathing is still 70% there, and the phlegm in my throat is just chillin' there.

Just grand.

But I won't complain. Most days I do feel really good. My friend brought over a cat, so she keeps me company when I am home alone. However, she has claimed Luis as her personal territory and spends a greater part of her day coming up to me to bite me. It used to be cute but that really hurts now. The only time she was being indifferent about my presence is whenever Luis was home but now she doesn't care, she attacks me either way.
I don't think I want her as my cat. Haha.

With the exception of Anime Expo, my cousins Jose and David have been coming over every weekend, regardless of whether I work or not. It's all good. Jose brings over some cool board games such as Pandemic and Catan, and they each take at least an hour to finish playing. Their mom is getting in the habit of sending food over whenever they're coming over so we don't starve- which I really appreciate.

I still go to work, not as much as I'd like, but the week I finally had hours, I called in sick one day. Grrr.

Oh yeah, Luis bought me a DS off of Craigslist. I'm in love with it...and I'm gonna play now. (Insert smiley face here.)