Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Blog Post About an Apartment I'll Never Own Because They've All Sold Out

You don't know me.  You don't know my life.
But tonight, I will tell you that I've had an obsession since I was a little girl.  There is a building in the city of Anaheim that I've set eyes on since very early on (I can remember staring at it in awe since I was maybe four or five years old).  It's called, "The Kraemer Building" and it's a work of art.

All the time, I figured I'd get a job at the Chamber of Commerce, because that's what it housed, just to have an opportunity to be in the building as a functioning adult.

When I turned 16, the city announced that they would go ahead and give the citizens (or any buyers for that matter), a chance to live in the building.  At 16, you know this is bad news because you cannot afford a lease, and your mother is happy where she lives for $750 a month.  I continued to obsess over it even up until the point when I moved out on my own.  But yesterday, I finally reached a feat that can only be reached by a person that is truly obsessed with something: I managed to get a glimpse of the inside of one of the apartments.

Before I show you the photos I collected, I will admit, for such a glorious and majestic building, it's not all that on the inside.  It has marble countertops... but that's about it.  No hardwood floors, no laundry room (it looks like), and no black-tile luxury bathroom... I actually think that my current bathroom is bigger than the one in the photo.
HOWEVER, if there is opportunities at actually purchasing one of the apartments (or two to merge them together - muahahaha), I would not really think about it twice before I got my hands on it.  It's still a gorgeous building on the outside, and all that would be necessary would be to make those adjustments... and to get rid of that stupid electric stove, they are the worst!  Okay, okay, here goes.

This is what the building looks like on the outside.  Around this building, there is a Starbucks, a Subway, a donut shop, a Jack in the Box, a CVS, and a Vons (to name the most notable).  This building is a historical landmark to Anaheim, and it would be nice if other buildings took to looking like this one. =)

A farther view from the tiny kitchen, this seems to be the only portion in the entire complex that has hardwood flooring.  But it still looks cozy and I'm all for it.

At closer glance, you can identify that stupid electric stove, and the horrible paint job. (It's not horrible, I just don't like the color. But I'm just really picky that way.)

This, I later realized, is the layout for what might be a bigger apartment in the same building.  All cabinetry looks the same, but the floor plan for this one is definitely amplified.
This looks like the dining area for the same apartment as the one above.  This one has a little more kitchen room storage, perfect for storing dishes, wine glasses, and other things.  I really like this one.  The ceiling fan doesn't look too bad either.
This image is what looks like the living room/ dining room area.  It's rather small which gets me to thinking that there might be studio apartments as well as bigger floorplans.  

This looks like the same apartment as the one above, it almost looks as if thought the entrance to apartment is the white door next to the refrigerator... but I don't know that for sure.

More living room photos.

This might be a bedroom... but I'm obviously not sure.

I love the windows here!

More living room imagery. 
I figured that the following are all bedroom photos since they are all formatted similarly, and they all have a mirror at their door.  I really like that.

The extra large mirror would save a person about $50 for a nice one at Big Lots!

Then there's this beautiful closet mirror which is awesome because there's a lot of natural light coming in (those windows tho'), and the MIRRORS ARE HUGE!

 Finally, the bathrooms.
I can only assume that the following are for the same bathroom, and it bugs me that I can't see what type of flooring there is.

But as you can see, the doors are gorgeous, shiny, and the tiling is very white.  The toilet is very oval (haha), and it's rather small.

Still, despite my unprofessional critique, I am in love, and very glad I got the opportunity to look inside.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


In 20 days I celebrate the painful passing of my sweet, beloved Uncle Manny.  Oh God, I miss him so much, but this year I've worked really hard in convincing myself that when people go, it's to rest in eternal peace, joy, and happiness- everything we couldn't find in living form on Earth. =)

But anyway, I have good news, bad news, and middle ground updates.  Good or bad first?  Let's go with the bad.

Bad news, I went to get a glasses prescription because I felt ready to obtain a driver's license.  Well, in order to get a permit, I definitely needed glasses so there I went, only to realize that I have lost vision on the upper range of my left eye due to an optical tear that happened I don't know when and hasn't healed completely.  From there, I went to an ophthalmologist, and they saw a weakening of the nerves and possible detachment thereof.  It has been the hardest news to realize that my vision is going, and I cannot imagine my life with half-vision, but I think I've come to terms with it.  I have a follow-up check up in February of next year and the ophthalmologist hopes that with my new glasses, my eye will heal a little better.  Fingers crossed, positive thoughts, and discipline to eat healthy and wear my glasses every day!

Good news, the reason I wanted a driver's license was because I finally got a car.  It's a Datsun 280ZX and I named her Lisa.  She's absolutely gorgeous.  I'll post photos soon.

Middle ground update, I can't get a driver's permit (let alone a license) until my eye's get their shit together. Haha.

That's it for the update.  I can't complain.  Me and my Charlotte can conquer the world. Bahaha.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I started a new job and I love it, but I'm not sure they love me back.  I've been needing a car, and my asthma has expanded to a further lung problem.

But things will get better.  They always do.

In the meantime, I'll be posting on my other blog.  Follow me there and read my nonsense about fashion, home decor, and my ambitions.  I have ambitions you know. =)

I've been entering the PCH sweepstakes but I think that they're discriminatory with the younger age groups.  Contests claim that once you're over the age of 18, you're free to join their lifetime earning sweepstakes.  This current one going on is for $7000 a week for LIFE.  What?!!  That's absurd, there's no way a group running sweepstakes will give a 20 year old 7,000 dollars a week for the rest of their lives.  I've seen the past winners, and it looks like they go after the old, so that they're not drained of money, and they're probably people with some deadly medical condition.  Haha.  Okay, that's all just a speculation on my behalf, but I've never seen a young person win.
I mean, older people have long over due bills to pay, like a thousand kids, and just wanna live the last years of their lives in peace... right?
I wish PCH knew that I can't afford my education, our family had hopes that my generation would make it to college, but it just didn't happen that way.  I'm not in ridiculous debt, but my family across the border is, so are my aunt's, uncles, and mother.  I need a car, and I need lung therapy so I don't end up with one lung on by the time I turn 30.  There's people that would benefit from that much money, I think even Donald Trump would benefit from that ridiculous amount of money.  (He could buy... something that he doesn't need but wants anyway... right?  I guess.)
What would I do with an allowance of $7000 a week for the rest of my life.  I'd pay off my debts, pay off my partner's debts, and everyone's debts that include family and close friends.  I'd feel motivated enough to go and get me a driver's license, and I'd buy me a car.  I'd give certain amounts to charities throughout America and maybe I'd buy a big house in the middle of nowhere USA to house victims of abuse because this issue is near and dear to my life.  I'd buy another house and start a foundation for the youth of America for those that didn't make it to the victims of abuse house so that they could get their shit together.  I'd put a lot of kids through college, because how can we improve the stats in our nation if our youth is finding all the wrong paths and no one is telling them that they're going the wrong way.  I'd fund education in my area because it's so desperately needed, and every year, I'd buy a prom dress for girls throughout Orange County because that's something I never got.  I'd make scholarships, and create jobs for students to get experience in the normal world so that they could learn to do something other than flip burgers.
I guess I would try to assist everyone that is very vulnerable, at least at my 23 years of age, I'd try to help everyone before they reach my age and feel like they've accomplished nothing in their lives.  From my experience, there are a lot of those days.  Lots of nights in which I ponder on how things could have been differently, how I could have used the kick in the butt from a school counselor, and how I feel like I should have known better.
For myself?  I guess I'd have a lobster dinner every now and then because I've never had lobster and it just seems like a delicious food.  I'd get myself a membership at my local yoga studio because I loved it when my friend gifted me a month's membership and loved the things they did for my life.
I don't feel like the things I've done in my past, but I do feel that the younger groups in these contests should get a chance to change their lives and the lives of others.  I don't come from money, and I honestly wouldn't know what to do with that much money.  I'd cover my expenses and my family's and splurge on my education at FIDM (haha), but other than that, I don't see the need to keep everything for myself.  Extra money should always be invested, not in a stock market, it should be invested in the youth of our nation.  And not just our nation at that, there's people everywhere, but more so than that, there's people in need everywhere!  I'm not out to be a saint, but it freaks me out so much that there's people out there in worst situations than myself, and no one can, will, or is able to help them out.  I feel that some days I loathe the life I was born into, and I feel proud that I'm slowly changing things for myself, but maybe it'll be the next generation, my kids, my niece, etc. that will be the first generation of college.  That's crazy to me.

I just realized that I did a whole rant on a contest that I know I have no shot of winning at.  Haha.  Embarrassing.  But yeah, wouldn't your mind float off into space if you saw an opportunity so close and just couldn't reach it?!!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Three Little Girls

Mom is beginning stages of menopause, that makes her crazy. Sister is currently in la-la-land, that makes her unreasonable, and dim-witted. Niece is currently in absorb-everything-like-sponge-stage...

So she's borderline psychotic when things don't go her way.
And I'm frustrated with all of these women because they can't, for the sake of a lovely child seem to act like the people in charge.

Abandon ship. Abort! Abort!
My little Julia isn't what she was a couple of months ago.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Charlotte's Itch

My night ended at six in the morning. I woke up at one in the afternoon.
In the midst of finally cleaning my room, I noticed Charlotte scratching like a madwoman. I began to assist her, which pleased both of us; hers, a pleasure in finally getting relief in hard to reach places, and mine in being able to show affection without being attacked. It was good. And it continued for about an hour, on and off.

Moments after my wanting to get back to room, she began scratching violently in the places where I'd helped her earlier. I felt the need to assist my friend, so I picked her up, and to my disgust, found little red critters eroding the small face of my little kitten. She was looking at me with sorry eyes and sheer panic. I panicked too but I was comforted when Luis assured me he'd go to the pet store as soon as his shift ended.
I tried giving her a dip in water/peroxide, but she freaked out and dug her claw into my hand. I think at this point, even I'm questioning why I own a pet. She ran and continued to run away from me until Luis got home.
Then it was real bath time, and my first Twitter photo will relate to you the horror that that turned out to be, for everyone. But we spent the rest of that afternoon using a flea comb trying to remove as many of those disgusting monsters from her helpless fur. I think all in all, we got a good 60-70.

And that was my day. My only meal today was a Belgian waffle, two eggs (sunny side up), and hash browns.
Seriously. My life. And here I am telling people to get their shit together.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Good Morning! (It's 1 pm)

I have been trying to stay away from social media, mostly because there's an uneventful list of events going on, and they're really uninteresting.
Also, I'll slowly be making the transition from username "Rockily" to "Rockilyyy." I know it sounds lame but it's the only way I can get everything in sync again. Start fresh, you know. Although, is it just me or is social media losing it's potency? Idk, maybe it's madness and chaos, or my points of view are changing, but sometimes I don't care about that stuff anymore.
So if you wanna start fresh with me, go to:
For now. I might (or might not) update Instagram and Twitter. Just because, there's so many posts for both of them. Hashtag, memorabilia.
Let's see...
I have a cat. Her name is Charlotte, and she is the biggest bitch I've ever known. Just...absolutely, the fluffiest one ever.
I'm also back to playing the LeafGreen version of Pokemon on my phone. My starter was Bulbasaur, and my goal is to not evolve them past their cute stage, I caught I Jigglypuff, and I started a short lived series called, "Who Is Jigglypuff Dating Now" and I think it's hilarious.
Luis and I have parted ways.
Just kidding, we're happier than ever but we're going through a difficult financial situation right now and by golly, we'll make it through this year if it kills us.
That is all.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Everything Else

Once you take a moment to evaluate your surroundings, everything else in life can wait.

I've been incessantly sick, on and off since late April. I guess things just happened one after another.
It all started with a common cold, after which (and to this day in almost August), I haven't been able to quite get a pop from my ears.
Then came the very ugly food poisoning and oh my goodness was that painful and unnecessary. Days after the food poisoning, I experienced a decent but "crampier" period, and about a week after that, I fell sick with bronchitis (ain't nobody got time for that). The cough is 90% gone, the fat people breathing is still 70% there, and the phlegm in my throat is just chillin' there.

Just grand.

But I won't complain. Most days I do feel really good. My friend brought over a cat, so she keeps me company when I am home alone. However, she has claimed Luis as her personal territory and spends a greater part of her day coming up to me to bite me. It used to be cute but that really hurts now. The only time she was being indifferent about my presence is whenever Luis was home but now she doesn't care, she attacks me either way.
I don't think I want her as my cat. Haha.

With the exception of Anime Expo, my cousins Jose and David have been coming over every weekend, regardless of whether I work or not. It's all good. Jose brings over some cool board games such as Pandemic and Catan, and they each take at least an hour to finish playing. Their mom is getting in the habit of sending food over whenever they're coming over so we don't starve- which I really appreciate.

I still go to work, not as much as I'd like, but the week I finally had hours, I called in sick one day. Grrr.

Oh yeah, Luis bought me a DS off of Craigslist. I'm in love with it...and I'm gonna play now. (Insert smiley face here.)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Tuesday, July 16, 2013; 11:22 A.M. EST

I was posting something last night, but I ended up falling asleep with the phone in my hand.
I'm not gonna finish that post, I'll just update the world on my happenings at another time.

This morning, I woke up at around ten, checked my Instagram, and saw that Kandee Johnson had posted a memorial photo for little Talia.
My heart sank, but I remembered that the "Angels for Talia" page would confirm what Kandee was saying. And yes. Talia left this earth, took her lovely spirit with her, and flipped cancer off for good.

That moment this morning is still very surreal, I haven't lost many people in my life, but I have lost a family member, back in 2001. He battled a lifelong disease that had no name, no how, and no cure. He had been in the hospital for six months before giving in. I was only able to see him twice: once, very unhappy, sick, unable to speak, and the second time in his mass before his funeral. He had a very sly smile on his face, he looked so at peace, happy, without a single fuck that we were all standing next to him, crying, still bargaining with the world in hopes of bringing him back.
So today, I don't want to cry, even though the knots, the sunken feeling, and the bubbly wet eyes are not being cooperative.

Times like these, we must remember that we are simply spirits, borrowing a physical form so as to communicate with one another. Talia did just that. She was diagnosed with cancer and took a stand on it and let the world know that children also have a voice. She shouted to the world that there are many organizations who want to give a voice to children with cancer, and while temporarily successful, the fighting torch has been handed to us by her today. Today, tomorrow, and until there is a goddam cure for cancer in children, we must continue to carry the torch, for Talia, and for every child who has been taken from their families before they get a chance to live their lives. From now on, we refer to Talia's legacy, which is bigger than life, and we use it to find drive and determination for those that are still here.
I want to thank Talia, because without her presence in my life, I would not have learned about the little bits (literally!) being done to help children battle their cancers. I want to thank her because I've realized that life cannot be lived when you let the obstacles stop you. That's what life IS. Life is a series of obstacle courses, and we must overcome them to see how life will reward us. Life does reward us, we just have to be patient and willing to work for it. But above all, terminal illness or not, you make the most of every day of your life. The more you make of your day, the more ventures you'll experience. The more you waste, the less of a chance you have of accomplishing the things you want out of your life.

I want to send my condolences to Talia's entire family, but especially Desiree, and Mattia, who have been by Talia from beginning to end; who unfortunately will feel the scar of her transition forever, and will need to accept Talia's leaving as a temporary goodbye and sign of eternal comfort and happiness for Talia herself. I don't need to be the one to tell you that you two had someone special by your side, the fact is, you still have her. Her memory, the essence of her perseverance, her kind heart, her personality are gifts that she has left with you, and everyone who welcomed her story into their hearts. I cannot imagine losing my Julia the way you've lost Talia, so I extend my heart, my full support, and I have made it my mission to join the Talia army, to rally and gather voices in hopes that they will be as loud a Talia's. I'm very hurt for her passing, but the must painful thing of all will be not seeing her pretty face, hearing her voice when we miss her the most. But those are physical things. Her spirit lives, and oh my God is her spirit vibrant. Her legacy will continue to inspire many, and one day, no child will go through what this angel was submitted to with cruelty. Talia's personality will be remembered, her perseverance, her actions, everything will always be here. I've never fallen in love with such charisma, but Talia was definitely a different energy.

Talia, baby girl, oh baby girl...
We will have to do, we will have to move on, and I'm gonna miss you, and I'm gonna cry for you, and your battles will not go in vain. Thank you for making your presence known for good. Your cancer was like a thorn being inserted in the hearts of those who loved you most, your passing is the removal of that thorn, it hurts even more as it's being taken out, but it will heal, and the scar of your pain will always be there. I can't ask anymore of you, but rest.
Rest in peace Talia Joy Castellano.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


Julie turns 22 today, we got so old so quickly, I don't even remember her 21st birthday. Haha.
Luis has left for the north, and I'll be home alone today. I was supposed to meet with Johnny, Julie's friend to buy her a bicycle, but last minute, my mother changed her mind and decided to give her the money later so she can choose her own bike. Whatever, it's not like I traded shifts to get this task done or anything...

But whatever. Seriously.

Last night I was writing a letter to Talia, she seems to be doing a little better and that brings joy to my heart, but at the same time, I wonder if this will affect her psychologically. Anyway, I think that while we were really wanting her to stay, recuperate, and do things that a lot of us get to do in the growing up process, we all knew that for that moment of agony and pain, it was best to say goodbye and try to meet up with her in heaven.
Still, I'm happy. Don't get the wrong idea, there's still a lot of confusion, mixed feelings, and thoughts about life...
No one ever enjoys seeing their loved ones go, let alone to bully diseases or illnesses like cancer. She's still in my prayers, she's still in my mind, and I'm still trying to live my life with a more positive outlook. This isn't just for Talia anymore, but also for myself, because health is the only thing that ever impedes anyone from living a plentiful (except for Talia, she's a ninja) life...and if I have my health, so I have no excuses. Just keep swimming.
Oh yeah, the letter, I filled up many pages, so I think I'm gonna try to finish the journal and then I will send it to her.

That's all on me right now. I'm gonna try to take a nap, I have to shop for Luis's birthday present...I wanna make this the best birthday ever for him. I flake on him every year. I'm such a dirty, cheap, nothing to him. Sometimes I really wonder if there's anything I give him that some other girl wouldn't give him...
Aaah, I don't wanna torture myself with that right now.


Monday, July 8, 2013

My Fascination with Hope and Compromise

I was in Los Angeles today, I got to go shopping with Luis in the Fashion District and went home with earrings, some bras, a ring, and what might be the best imitation (if not the real thing...though fingers crossed) of Urban Decay's Naked palette. The lady at the shop let me pick colors to swatch and if I liked what I saw, I could buy if for very cheap. I went for it, I know the colors and variations of the real deal and they're identical, so I went for it. (#dontjudgeme)
I continued to shop and some other shops had other collections from Mac and Smashbox, and some looked good, and others didn't, and some were ridiculously cheap that even I wouldn't go for it. But whatever, if you're ever on a money crunch, I think that these items are second best.
I did see an authentic site (it looked pretty legit) and their makeup collection was huge! I had a vanitygasm. I found a palette for BH Cosmetics that really caught me eye, and I may have bought it if it weren't for the fact that it reminded me so much of little Talia.
I've decided to go back for it as soon as I can.

Talia...her parents had a psychic go in to see her today, feeding the hope of their souls and those concerned- close, distant, and just worried overall.
I don't know if I believe in psychics, but in times of emotional crisis, I think we lose all skepticism towards untried and unreliable methods. I'm glad they had her go in. Apparently, moments after the psychic was done with her session, Talia was able to be awake for about thirty minutes and even asked for something to drink. She even posted a photo of some phone cases she'd ordered on her Instagram account. I felt relief, really emotional, but overall happy for those news.

And the bartering with our future selves when we want our hopes to be the outcome...
I think we've all done it.
I know I have.
I just did.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Night of Vigilantes

I had to force myself to sleep the past two days, and I wasn't very successful at it.
I've been logging on to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to see if I find anything news about Talia. So far, nothing has changed. I wish...things were different.

Like maybe if it were me in her place. Because an innocent soul like hers doesn't deserve to be disrespected the way life has trampled her. Or maybe if the doctors suddenly walked in with a magical serum that cured her in its entirety. Or if her parents went against her wishes and tried an unconventional method, such as Christina Pirello's whole foods way... or attempting something unorthodox that would work.
But I'm thinking about the suffering for the thousands of people trending her hashtag right now, people including myself that have a spark as bright as the twinkle in her eye that this isn't happening and that we will all wake up from a horrible dream.
And it's selfish because in trying to protect our feelings, we aren't taking into consideration everything that this journey marks. Over five years of going in and out of hospitals, submitting your body to incredibly harsh chemicals and radiants that not only cause damage and horrible side-effects, but are also really bad for the body.

But... I argue with myself, over and over. And stubborn me always has buts...
But I don't understand. All I know is that after not eating for so long, and lingering between the thin lines of life and death, she hasn't left, then why give up? She's stubborn in her own way, she's still fighting, despite the entire world of logic against her, she's still here. Why won't they make a last effort to try the irrational... there's a man that has healing sessions with his hands, and there's ways of introducing horrible diseases that can be controlled but will kill the cancer cells. There's alternatives, they have the means of getting these people to her, and if they said they didn't, all they'd have to do is look at the internet posts under #prayfortalia to realize that they have crews full of support.

I'm gonna continue to pray...

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Little Girl VS All Odds

Tonight, as I write this, little Talia Joy may be transitioning or have completed her journey from life to death.

I don't think that I've ever been as affected by something and have seen it affect people on a global scale. My thoughts, prayers, and deepest sympathies are with the Costellano family, whom are the greatest victims of this disease aside from Talia.
I'm out of words, but at the same time, there's a plethora of questions I have for the "greater being" that we all pleaded to in this time of darkness. They say, "God will only take the good ones," and my only remark to that is yes- because you gave them cancer and took their life and any chance of actual life from them.

Tonight I'm not just shattered, I'm angry, frustrated, and really confused. Because these things are held with greater understanding when they occur to "old" people; but Talia wasn't even a teen when she was thrown in the cage with this beast, and she battled it to the end, but anyone of us would have flinched and ran as far as our feet would let us go... I don't understand why her. Why the child, and not the adult with some years under their belt. Someone so small...and something so big, that it literally consumed whatever life was left. It's not fair, and I don't understand. I don't understand why the greater being let that happen, or why it wasn't taken away as soon as it happened. I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED. AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, AND I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND, because any explanation to any of this is a rigged and corrupt response. It's disgusting and malicious, this life. That crap, that crap you get told that she got "it" because God knew she could handle it, it's poor judgment on anyone's behalf, even God if those were his real thoughts. Are you really up there? Who's really up there? Did you fall asleep? You senile old thing! Answer me, I have questions, I have had questions but in the meantime, all I'm hearing are death counts rising, the world destroying itself by us, and instead of guiding us with your love and direction, you let little innocent children battle enormous cancer monsters, what the fuck?!

I don't want to argue with my mind anymore. I don't even care if my head levels itself out and regrets everything I just said. I don't care, I don't understand. Because Talia still tried to make the most of her life. She continued to walk the path of life, more so than that, she really tried to sprint to see what was at the end. And it depresses the shit out of me, because we will surpass the point where she left off, and won't have a choice but to keep moving. Keep walking, without her, without anyone that is leaving or has already left us.
My only comfort is that there are no paths where she's going. She's free to roam where her little self desires. There are no such things as cancer, and if there are, they get to eat shit and live in a cage much too small for it. There is no pain, it's just a good place to be. The people that made you happy in your lifetime get to join you when their time to stop walking the path gets there. There is never darkness, it smells good, it literally feels heavenly, it is everything you weren't able to stop for while walking your path in life, it's all there and it's all inclusive.
I know she didn't wanna go, I know she had other plans for her life, but in the end, she succumbed, maybe because a realtor angel convinced her that life after walking that stupid painful path is not even comparable to what awaited her.

Oh Talia, baby girl and little angel from up above...
I'm gonna miss you more than words can say. I'm gonna think about you, and everything you still managed to do, even in your sickest days whenever I feel like there's too much on my plate. I'm gonna think of you, whenever I think that a simpleton virus like the flu its trying to bring me down, and I'll remember that not even a Stage IV Neuroblastoma was able to take you down so easily. But most of all, in my days of anxiety, sadness, and depression, I'll remember how you overcame so many things with that giant beast trying to tackle you down.

May the angels in heaven welcome your entrance with a round of applause. I'm crying and I'm fighting the urge to shout to the universe that I'd rather have you here. Be pain free, and just keep swimming into the light. I love you Talia.

Friday, July 5, 2013


My heart goes out to the family and constant crew out there supporting little Talia.
No news yet on her current condition have been revealed, but it's been circulating that she's, for lack of better words, at her weakest yet, going in and out of sleep, and in a lot of pain.

Most times, when I find out about people suffering in the hospital due to illness and other things, I feel that their best remedy is for them to rest in the eternal realm.
But not for Talia. She has fought so hard and has stayed positive as much as she could, that I honestly believe that her battles are not yet lost. There is a globe of people throughout the internet tonight, proving that what I'm saying is true because they all have faith in her. I have faith in her. I have learned from her, and I wish to thank her because any other person, young or old would have deteriorated at the news of her diagnosis. She is one of the few and genuine people I know of in the entire planet, and maybe thinking selflessly, but we're not ready to say goodbye to this angel on earth. Because of her, I have raheem a more blunt approach to life and have learned to treasure and be thankful for my health and for my current position in my life, because without my health, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Just every type of fear is overwhelming me tonight. Someone near and dear to my mother passed away two days ago because of cancer, and I learned about both Talia and mother's friend today.
I've heard of cases where cancer takes the soul out of the weak, but restores faith in humanity in others. At least for Talia, I feel that it has done that. I really wish I knew her in person, so I could thank her for going blunt and public with her battle. I want to thank her for showing the world herself and exposing us to her presence. I want her to be healthy, full of hair, and covered in makeup, taking photos and being a little annoying rascal like all kids her age. I wanna see YouTube videos five years from now with her showing us her boyfriend and her being a total bratty teenager...

There's just do much the world hadn't seen and that she hasn't done. I will continue to pray, to send my best wishes towards an image of her and hope that the rest of the world will too.

I just needed to vent. I'm angry at the world. This week has been really overwhelming for me and all I can say is that tomorrow will be another day. I dislike cancer, I wish it were eliminated from every body in the planet and made extinct for good. I wish no more persons ever go through treatments and that we all live a more filling and healthier life.
Good night.


Monday, July 1, 2013

The Melancholy Weekend

This weekend was great. Saturday, Luis got home with a grilled chicken sub, and the company of Jose and David.
We played on the N64 for many hours, and after I took a very nice refreshing shower, we headed out to dinner at the Hawaiian BBQ. Everything was going great, when suddenly I got a stomach cramp (I swear, it was out of nowhere). I let it pass a couple of times but after the third and most painful one, I rushed to the restroom. If you've ever had diarrhea before, then you know what that was and what happened next. But I had no idea, this was the second time in my life that this happened to me. Haha. I know, tmi, but this is so new to me.
So we rushed home, I ran to the bathroom, and after being able to finally get up, I took an Imodium pill and I was all better.
At around one in the morning, we were all still playing and I told Luis that I was hungry, so he reheated the chicken I hadn't eaten at the restaurant. We continued to play, and my cousins went ahead and spent the night over at our place. Sometime in the early hours of the morning I felt so nauseous, but I couldn't throw anything up. Again, the chills came in, except for this time, I had a fever. Worried, Luis gave me some cold and flu syrup, and once again, I went back to sleep. They ate without me, but I wasn't hungry, and I continued to go in and out of sleep until it was time for me to get ready for work.

On the way to work I had a fever again, I didn't have any ibuprofen or aspirin on me, and the only quick fix was an iced coffee from McDonalds. It worked great until the air conditioner at work went on what felt like full blast (I think it's because the room I sit in is right underneath the a/c vent). The worst hours of my life (cue dramatic music) ensued. I got so cold that towards the end of my shift, I had lost all feeling on the index, and middle fingers, and later thumb of my right hand. Even after the air conditioner went off, I was still a giant popsicle and nothing was letting me melt. Embarrassingly enough, I think the manager caught on because he sent me home an hour earlier than my scheduled shift.
After I got home, Luis stuffed my face with more cold and flu medicine, and very quickly, I was asleep again. We had concluded that if the fever and chills didn't go away by morning, he'd call in to work and I'd be in the hospital by ten. That didn't happen and the only real pains I feel this morning are in my lower back and knees. The rest of my body is just really sore, and I'm hungry.

I made it though. The thing that gives me most comfort is that I didn't freak my cousins out, I think that after years of living with them, they know how easily I get sick. Haha. I am thankful to the entire universe for Luis, because without him, I'm pretty sure I would have let myself rot in painful solitude.

I started a class today, but given that I have to go to work, and my condition, it was best to let it be. I feel disappointed but my mind is telling me that it's okay. I finally have some hours and I'd rather take advantage of them than miss a day because I spent my little bit of energy on a class...if that makes any sense at all.

I'm finds find something to eat now.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Oh, Mama

I had one meal today, and it was a Denny's Belgian Waffle Breakfast with scrambled eggs and bacon.
I only drank one cup of coffee, but I ate half a slice of Hershey's chocolate cake.


I've been trying to organize all of the music on my laptop so that when I start school on Monday, I can have something to listen to on the way back from school and to work. I didn't realize how many songs I had, and I'm having a serious urge to purge through those folders at this time. I not only have to browse through those lists, but I have to take out everything in the iPod and set that. Gah!

I haven't yet bought an agenda, but I think I'll find time to do that tomorrow. I feel like I'm all over the place.

Anyway, tonight I let Luis strap some ankle weights on me and I had to follow his direction to complete a full 30 minute workout. (Special thanks to the Daily Butt Workout app for the inspiration to build a routine.)

I haven't been up to much lately. I haven't left the house, I didn't travel this week, the only meal I cooked was steamed broccoli and white rice, all in all, I've been eating really late in the day (more like night) and they're usually very unhealthy meals (dear diary, mood: apathetic). I don't even wanna lose weight for the sake of fashion, I just wanna be thin so that I can have a less cheeky face. That's so bad.

I've been having really good mental days. My outlook has been happy, sometimes a pinch of sugar makes all the difference.
Whatever. (It's my Idc phrase, but whatever.)

I'm excited for classes, upset for the lack of trips I'll be doing this upcoming July, and stoked for the possibility of good travel in the future once I set off to my project/new venture/new adventure/better job.

Final thoughts, gay marriage is once again legalized in this here beautiful California, and I wish there were a real poll going on to see how many gay couples are gonna call it quits (I feel mostly lesbians). Not because they're against gay marriage (because lol), but because I have a feeling the less committed partner was bluffing when they told their partner they'd forever tie the knot as soon they were allowed to walk the altar...probably not thinking this would happen for another ten years.
It sounds mean, and like I'm not taking my reality seriously (but seriously, who is?), but the only reason I point this out is that one, I think this happens with uncommitted people when they're just in it to get some, they'll say anything-not just the gays, others too; and secondly, I already know of one couple.
Maybe they're the only couple though. :)


Sunday, June 23, 2013

"Midnight" Rambling

It's six hours past midnight, but given that I'm in bed, trying to sort my thoughts, this is technically my midnight.

I have many doodles in my mind. Not too important, just tidbits, chores, and deadlines I'm trying to set up. But it's still too dark/early in the morning to jot things down on paper.

Here's a couple of them:
° Finish cleaning my room
° Get to 200 photos on Instagram
° Buy a planner/agenda by Jul. 1st
° Cook the broccoli in the fridge before it goes bad
° Make rice
° Throw out gross stuff from the fridge
° Find a place for the grill
° Clean the kitchen
° Finish organizing the music on my folders
° Update/transfer all music to iPod
° Go see Julia
° Start doing 10 Minute Trainer
° Remove nail polish from my nails
° Add fresh coat of new color
° Try tri-accent again
° Get used to waking everywhere


It's Sunday!

I'm not awake alone tonight.  Smiley face.

My two cousins are over, we installed an N64, and we've been playing for the longest time.  Luis even went out with his friends for a game of pool, and now that he's back, he's on the couch, with a controller in his hand.  Haha.

In the time where Luis was gone, I was able to talk to my cousin, and we both concluded that we have no direction, no idea what to do with our lives, no idea how to make plans, no way of seeing the future any different than it is now, and I think we secretly promised to help each other out.

This week is my last free week, from here on out I'll be going to school every morning, from Monday through Saturday and regardless of whether I have work or not in the evening, I'll try my best to make this the summer of productivity so I can organize my thoughts, ideas, goals, and wishes into appropriate categories and begin to do.  I'm thinking way ahead, I know, but when the end of the year approaches me, I don't want to be making resolutions, I want to be on a good path.  Even if I'm just getting started, I just don't wanna wait another half year.  My resolutions start this week.

So while they go ahead and try to beat each other in Smash Bros. I'm going to go back to organizing my music.  I really need to get that done.  Haha.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Things To Do Today

Happy Thursday to anyone realizing it's Friday Eve tonight.
I have a full day off (not that I haven't had one of those for the past two days) in which I don't have to go anywhere.

But today I definitely need to get myself out of the house and get some things accomplished.

Number one being going to the farmer's market, I need to find the Avon stand to see if I can find some "Always On Point" cream eyeliner because I'm almost out, and it's my favorite, and I'm freaking out.
Number two is going to either Walmart, Target, or maybe even Ross to see if I can find myself an undated agenda.  So I can start planning out the month of July.  I have to start thinking about what I wanna get Julie, Erika, and Luis for their birthdays (I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET LUIS).  But I think it will work out okay in the end.  IT ALWAYS DOES.
Number three is making my way to the grocery store to buy eggs.  That's right, I stayed in last night and disregarded the egg situation.  Haha.  But it will get done today.
Number four is finding some shorts in my size... I'm thinking my local "fashion" boutique or something along those lines, since they're the only ones that carry ginormous shorts (just kidding, I know, I exaggerate a lot).
Number five is going to see Julia before she leaves tomorrow.  I really want this one to happen!
Number six is going to the library to find a book.  There's a couple I really wanna look at.
And last but not least is the laundry duty... which I despise, but I'm down to my last pair of underwear.  It's gotta' get done.

In the meantime, I will be updating my Instagram, follow me: @rockily
I post photos all the time.  ALL. The.  Time.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

All Dressed Up with Nowhere to Go

I was on-call at work today, but the call never came in so I officially have the day off.
Either way, I didn't know, so I went ahead and got ready.  Now I'm all dressed up and watching videos on YouTube.  Haha.  It's okay, I was getting ready to watch Wendy William's "After Show" episodes but I had to pee, so I turned Pandora on for the five minutes of my absence and now, I'm really enjoying it.  Wendy will just have to wait.

I've been writing (not here, obviously) on my composition notebooks, really trying to prepare for the month of July, I want to kick off my summer to a really good start, mostly by preparing myself.  I'm gonna have class in the morning, work in the evening, and times in between where I'm gonna have to find sufficient time to cook, care for my home, start my blueprint for my baby project (I'm not having a baby, lol, it's just that I'm so pumped for the upcoming months that I'm considering this a project, and I will treat it like my baby), work out, and Luis/Betcee time.
It's going to be great, and if it fails, it's still going to be great.

Anyway, Luis gets out of work really late tonight.  His Tuesday journey ended in the city of Merced, and it is very far from home.  Haha.  Especially when he needs to continue making stops to different stores.  However, he's been on the finished road down now for about an hour, and he's officially dodged L.A. traffic, so I think that everything should be smooth.  Hashtag, fingers crossed.

Okay, so I really need to go find a bookstore (I just need to get to the bookstore, haaa!) so that I can get me a non-dated planner.  I also need to find the new L'Oreal liquid liner, because their advertisement made it look magically amazing, I need to go back to the grocery store for eggs (fail, I think my purpose was eggs, and I didn't get them, I did come home with seven other things, but no eggs), more nail polish colors so I can copy Leigh Ann's triaccent nail fashion, and I need to finish a painting I started on.  It started looking good, but once I started adding color, I quickly became discouraged.  Soooo quickly.  One color went wrong and I was done for.
I was thinking of going to go see my mom, but I think I should just stop by for eggs.

I also wanted to go to the library.  And the gym.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

It Might Happen

I haven't posted in a while, at least not anything with real substance or feeling.
That is mostly because I've been having some conflicting emotional problems, mostly results from everything that's been going on in my life.

I remember at the end of May, I didn't want any of that negativity to stay with me, so I deleted everything from my online blogs and social media, and even in my journals that I had scattered around the house.
But it's been so difficult to stay positive, to look at the bright side of things, that some days I'm terrified to realize that I'd so much rather be... dead.

But I've always heard that talking about it has been good for the soul, so I'm gonna keep a very light update on my life, at least not getting too involved, mostly because I don't want the whole internet world to think I'm suicidal... all the time.  Haha.
I do have good days, and for the most part, they are often and well-enjoyed. =)

I'm up this early because I decided to sign up for summer classes at the "adult college" which teaches personal enrichment or does short-term career planning with you.  I figured that one skill that could really teach me how to become a more "successful" adult in the real world is Quickbooks, so I went ahead and signed up for that, as well as starting from point zero with programs like Excel and Access.  As much as I wanted to go for the sewing classes, I couldn't since they're pricey and on the evenings, something I just can't afford to do right now.  Classes will be held on a two-day-per-week basis, so I'll be in class from Monday through Saturday mornings.  I'm excited and not looking forward to the excessive yawning.  Haha.

As for planning for the far future, I can't say. I had wanted to study for my bachelors and move to another country to teach English, and as it turns out, I don't need a degree aside from my Diploma to do this in the country of China.  I would love to drop whatever it is that I'm doing and simply head out, but I don't have anything saved up to get me there or to keep me alive over there.
However, I am looking forward to moving up north.  I'm thinking that if I really plan my life out or if I go along with everything as I just now see it sketched in my mind, maybe I can move and make it happen.  That would be great!
I was looking at the schools existing over there, and I even saw that there is an accredited technical school (Brandman University) both in Hanford and Visalia, both cities that I've considered moving to sometime in the next months or early next year.  Maybe when the slow season approaches at work and I get laid off.
The way I see it, I can have my financial aid cover my expenses and cost of living over there, and Luis and I can have sort of a "second home" where he's welcome to come in whenever he has extended (like... more than a day, lol) periods of time off, and I could take the all-time running trains and head home to Luis whenever I have time off, which I'm sure that if I stay organized, it will be often.
But all of that is wishful thinking.  As much as I want to do it, I don't know how okay or determined Luis is to let me go anywhere without him.  He's such a baby, but I mean that in the nicest of ways, I know he depends on me and wishes to be near me all the time (I know, it sounds like I'm full of myself, but you don't know him like I do).  But anything could happen.

Either way, whatever happens, I know two things for sure, and that is: uncertainty.  Because some days I feel like I ramble about plans and have no certainty about how much of it will come true.  Haha.
Okay, byeee.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Saturday Morning

I woke up just as Luis was out of the shower.  I feel he left for work too damned early.  But it's probably easier for him to be over there, and somewhere else rather than having to put up with my psychosis.

I'm trying to shake it off.  I don't feel like talking about it anymore, I used to think that talking things out helped, but it does little for me when I'm just pushing it back there and trying to forget about it.  I don't need to talk about it, I just need to put time between me, and the thought.

So I'm gonna change the subject.  Haha.
I was so enthused with North Cali that I have been really looking forward to pack my ship and head over there.  There's Greyhounds I can take back to Southern Cali, and visit my family here, but I fell in love with the quiet and simple no-nonsense cities up there.
Before I left I went ahead and picked up two apartment rental books and began to look through them... the only thing I concluded is that farmers and pickers don't make much over there since their cost of living is so low.  Single bedroom apartment (like ours) here go for at least $700-$950, but you can score a nice place to live over there with a fireplace, pool on-site and gym on-site, and even a spa in some cases, and add an extra bedroom for about $800.  It drove me crazy.  Now my desire to just be over there, all the time is becoming obsessive, and it's almost a very good thing that I can't afford anything right now because I may have forgotten life on this side and been on the next train up north.

As usual, craving pho.  Oh man, I need to learn how to make it, I'm in love with it, and I don't know why I could eat it every day and not get sick of it.  Pho every day all the time.

Also, the other night, Laura, Luis, and I walked to Denny's and we took the long way home so we could walk by the auto-dealership that's on the way home.  There's some nice cars for very cheap, so we were wondering if they're just pretty faces with horrible transmission problems (yes, trust no one, especially used car dealerships).
I really wanna hold off on having a car.  About two years ago, Luis and I were at Car Max and I fell in love with a Buick Lucerne that I saw.  He made fun of me because he said only old people drive those, which in part is very true because every time from then on, Luis would point them out on the road, and sure as ice is cold, it would be some old lady driving it.
He promised me that upon my college graduation, he would gift me the vehicle, and though he means his word, I think he got smart on me knowing that I'm not even in school yet.  Haha.  Anyway, this is what it looks like:
The ones I tend to see are always cream-colored, white, or beige (go figure, typical old people choice of colors).

Oh my goodness I'm CRAVING pho.  I'm gonna look for a recipe now.

Friday, June 7, 2013

The Early Hours

I woke having to really pee, and when I realized I couldn't hold it in, I made my zombified way to the bathroom.

I haven't posted lately, everything had been okay. Luis took me to his North Cali trip on Tuesday, and we came back Wednesday. I wasn't allowed to take as many photos as I'd wanted, mostly because we were in and out of places so quickly, but also because I was his secret companion there- no one knew I was there. The hotel room was so nice, the bed was comfortable, and the pillows were even more fluffy than ours at home.

Thursday I decided to go on and visit my mother so I could take Julia to the park, but I found her in the middle of her nap. Minutes after my arrival an argument turned offensive bash ensued, and I couldn't leave, as much as I wanted to, as little and squeezed dry my heart felt, I had to stay and play with Julia. When Luis finally picked me up, I was such a mess that I ended up crying as soon as I got in the car.
Oh man, days like yesterday I was really reminded why I hate myself so much. Everything came flooding back, and the idea of "changing and rearranging" every time I suffer a crisis went out the window.

And here we are. The sun is about to come out and I've yet to find a reason to stay here and remain alive. And I have to admit, it's the hardest thing to do when your finger is about to pull the trigger.
The only thing that saves me from myself is my cowardice. Sometimes it's not as bad of a trait to have, in some cases it lets you "live your life" a little bit more.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Second Productive Day Off

Today (Tuesday isn't over for me until I finally fall asleep and wake up on "Wednesday" because... that's just how my mind works... I hope I'm not the only one) was very productive.

Everything that needs to be in the garage is in there, including the toy airplane of Julia's, the big TV that isn't big enough four our bedroom, and the box full of clothes that I'm just too darned fat to ever fit into again.
Speaking of which, I'd taken a serious approach to my dieting (not really, I was just changing my evil ways) and I'd lost ten whole disgusting pounds.
To my surprise, I've gained four of them back!!

The bed room looks great, and tomorrow, I may post a tutorial (because I am that excited to show you how organized everything is) on how to create a "vesk" which is slang and a combination of "vanity + desk" since I had a desk, had to either give up the desk to get a vanity (which we can't afford anyway), or compromise.
Yes, I was able to store makeup and other beauty items in my desk ever so conspicuously, while simultaneously converting the area into a small but very functional work space.  I am truly proud at the end result.

But since it's Tuesday night, you know what that means.
Luis is gone, and I am in bed all by myself, something I dislike and refuse to enjoy; even if the past two weeks have been easier on me than previous weeks.  I may actually go to sleep before three in the morning today.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Productive Day Off

I was making breakfast at three in the afternoon when I got the message every lazy employee yearns for on a holiday not granted "off" and was told to take the evening off since there was nothing to do.
A sudden rush of energy overcame me and I wanted to get so much done. I wanted to move everything around, and so we did.
We moved Luis's drawer to the closet where it's out of sight and out of mind. We switched closet sides and we moved the desk from the living room to our bedroom to create a desk and vanity for me. I'm beyond excited about that last fix.
Today (I started writing this late last night but fell asleep), I will try to continue. I also have plans to go see my mother and baby Julia.
I think overall, the change is turning out to be successful. Photos to come later.

No Gloom for the Month of June

The month of May ends on Friday. I'm excited and sad at the same time because it went by so fast, but in this fast-paced month, I was able to learn a lot about myself (yes it sounds cheesy, and cheesier it will sound...very soon, but hear me out), and the world around me.

There was a Tumblr post that I wish I'd saved, because I feel it was pivotal to everything going on in my life then and now, and later.
It was a suicide post, and it was a typed letter that said something to the effect of the following summary:

If you want to kill yourself, wait a moment. Take a deep breath, and wait a year. In that year, keep a journal, and do as much living as you can. Try new things, read good books, open your mind to be music, and go places.
Chances are that if you look back on all of that a year later, you'll be happy you didn't, and you'll want to see what else there is to see. If you still feel like committing suicide at the end of the year, then make a list of things you want to experience, and give it another year.

To that, I really wanted to add, to mark the date in which you felt so low, and celebrate it every year, because you didn't just go through with it, you made it through add a rebirth.

May was full of confusion for me, not many new things happened but life had me stomped down. There are people in my life I will always hold near and dear for their help, and I welcome June as my first full month of absolute positivity.
Since it's also the half year mark, I'm gonna do things normally others try to begin at the beginning of the year. That way, I still fulfill my resolution and build a good habit for next year.

Also, I woke up about an hour ago...that means I slept a whopping 14 hours last night...
I'm a little ashamed, but not really, because I was really behind on sleep.

*Edit: I thought I'd posted this at around three in the afternoon...turns out it never published. Hahaha.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dinner Plans

Luis is cranking his holy Santana music collection. It's his day off today, and Laura gets out of work at three or so.
Given that we're all gonna be in the same place at once, I wanna make a yummy but simple dinner, and I've begun to cook some beans, which I will bake in barbecue sauce...
And I'm prepping the chicken drumsticks, because they too will be drowned in barbecue sauce.

And we're also making mashed potatoes with bacon!

Because we can.
Aaaaand, now I just don't want to get called in to work. I'm really hoping to just get the day off.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, May 25, 2013


88.  In 88th place is the gorgeously talented, extremely funny and ultimately adorable, Tina Fey.
Short and sweet, if you know her work, you have to understand.

Coffee Blues

I have been a regular coffee enthusiast for many years. There are stories in our family that "cafe con leche" was our nightly beverage as young kids, and I believe it, because I've been drinking coffee for as long as I can remember.

However, I haven't been able to function appropriately lately without my coffee before work. And if I miss my window before work or early on in my shift, I'm screwed, because drinking it too late at night doesn't let me go to sleep at the right time. At least not comfortably.
And these are things that never bothered me before, but I guess I'm growing old because suddenly, things are doing what they intended to do.

Also, I never realized how little tolerance I have for pain. Hahaha. I don't know why I chose that statement to end my post.

About Work & Money

This week's paycheck is awesome. I wish I got to work six days in a row all the time. I also wish I got a lunch all the time, then I could be filthy rich for putting in a full eight.

Straight to my savings it goes. I wish I could go on a massive shopping spree, but I would regret it if I won PLNDR's sweet $500 giveaway...
And I really wanna win that giveaway to go ahead and go crazy on Jeffrey Campbell shoes. (My closet would officially retire from holding clothing and be the new home for JC Lita heels.)
However, the saving of a little bit of extra cash is always good, for rainy days, or some incredible, once in a lifetime chance to buy something amazing...or at least in my instance, the opportunity to finally buy a haul my butt to work and back in nights when Luis can't be there.

I'd originally wanted a Bentley, but when my calculator told me that I'd be saving for at least ten years (with intense discipline), I decided I could just as well afford and be happy with a used car.
Because the point is not to drive a cool car, the intention and plan is to find a set of wheels that will get me to work.
Because life is all about work...and the things you do when you are out of work.

I think...

Dramatic rambling would normally start here, but here is the place where I shall stop.
I saw my schedule for this upcoming week, and I have Tuesday and Thursday off. Exciting!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My New Schedule

These past few weeks I was getting little to no sleep at night, and there I went thinking that there might be something wrong with me.
To my surprise, I've adapted the night owl schedule, which would explain why I don't eat anything until four or five in the afternoon.

I no longer feel like a sloth for waking up at one, or two in the afternoon.

Also, today I learned that the reason why my eyeliner never paired with both of my eyes is because I have very limited vision on my left eye, and this whole time, I was angling the pencil at different angles when applying the wing-out part.

Right now I'm on my way to work. Sometimes, public transportation isn't that bad. Except for today it's running five minutes late, and I really wanted to grab something to eat on the way to work.

Okay, we'll see what happens.

PS, it smells like oranges.

Who, What, Where, When, Why, How

Tonight I deleted over 100 posts since I first began blogging on this page. Sometimes, it's necessary to let it all out before the next phase. I feel that since late last year, I'd been struggling with the demon of my past, but upon rereading everything I've written, I realized that I have nothing else to say concerning the dark points of my life.

These past couple of weeks have been the worst. I'm not sure what triggered everything, but I took a lot of frustration out on the world, and that's just unfair towards the future that isn't even here yet. I think I'm ready to move on, and I am more than willing to bury this ugly depression that's been lingering on my shoulders like a dark, rainy cloud.

I am not an ungrateful person. Everyday, I am thankful for Luis, and Julia, and my entire family. Sometimes, I have trouble acknowledging the fact that aside from everything I've done, I'm still a lucky girl.

The only posts I've kept are my favorite people posts because I intend on finishing the list. And because I want to have 100 reasons to not feel like a lone human.

If anyone has read any of my posts, I wanna say thanks. For listening to crazy, psychotic 'ol me, and for reading what I have to say.

My intentions are to continue blogging, I don't know how often, but I want to put all of my negativity aside. I don't wanna sound corny or cheesy, so I'm gonna end it here. It's just about 5am and I'm supposed to wake up in 25 minutes. Haha. Very unlikely.
But wish me luck in my journey to positive endeavors, and I will do the same for you.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


89.  Cool!! I've made it through ten important characters that have made my life that much more tolerable.
Here's a special one that I am kicking myself over for not remembering off the top of my head until a song on the radio reminded me of...

This pretty lady over here.  She is talented, down to planet Earth, blunt in life as in her music, unbelievably gorgeous, and while some see it and some don't, there is something edgy, and sultry about her.  I think it's her love of life, and it's contagious.
At number 89 I've placed Alanis Morissette, because she is radiant, and a female movement inspiration!!

"I feel drunk but I'm sober,
I'm young and I'm underpaid,
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah,
I care but I'm restless,
I'm here but I'm really gone,
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby."

Friday, April 26, 2013


90.  Dave Gahan.
Depeche Mode has been one of my favorite bands since I remember listening to music in English.  There isn't much I can add, he is simply an inspiring artist, I love the sound he brings to this genre of music, and I really wish I got to see and hear more of his own work.  **Fingers crossed.

Friday, April 19, 2013


91. Leigh Ann and her YouTube channel (leighannsays).  She's down to Earth, down to Mars, absolutely gorgeous and adorable.  Not professional, totally 90's, EVERYTHING.  I love her, I secretly want to be her best friend, and am secretly wanting my channel to take off so that she will see my channel and like me back (lol, pfft).  Rock on Leigh Ann, I'll do whatever you say.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


92. This guy.  Ever since I started getting obsessed with this whole Korean drama ordeal, I've had a MAD CRUSH over Kwon Sang-Woo.  I think that's his name... haha.  Here are some eye candy photos.  Isn't he hot?!!  Haha.


93. Jillian Michaels has overcome the struggle of being overweight and has inspired many others, including myself.  Training struggling people in "The Biggest Loser" to being open about her relationship, and her countless exercise DVDs, it's so easy to find your liking, and stick to one of her difficult but do-able workout sessions.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


94. Luis.  Yeah, he has inspired me to live.  I firmly believe that there is someone out there to complement your life, and almost be a mirror of another aspect of your life.  I think that he is that for me.  I am obsessed with him, and I think that whether our relationship works out or not in the end, I will always be thankful to have met him.  My first Iron Maiden shirt was from him, I met the beach, snow, farmland, and beachland because of him.  I got fat next to him and ventured the adult world for the first time with him.  Needless to say that heartbreak will be inevitable should things break off from what our relationship is right now, but he will always hold a near and dear place in my heart. =)

Making a silly face at our local Jack in the Box.

Off guard in our room. =)

On our third year anniversary. you don't see it, probably - but he cleans up quite nicely.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Friday, February 15, 2013


96.  Started the New York Dolls, gave meaning to glam in the music industry, from pumps to pompadour, literally, here is the man of my dreams, David Johansen.  He's inspired me to always be curious, constantly explore, and to never keep yourself closed to a genre niche.  Make your own!!

Sunday, February 3, 2013


97. If I need to explain this next one to you then you don't know a lick of humanity.  Enough said, here, is...


98. She doesn't need much of an intro., she's overall amazing, beautiful, lucky, grateful, stunningly drop-dead gorgeous, and if looks could kill, we'd all be dead.  Marisa Miller walks the runway and just recently, her baby boy just as gracefully.  HUGE admirer.


99. This mad woman took fashion down a notch and still stayed classy.  I can only wish to one day be as admirable as her straight bangs and incredible physique.  I also wish my name were spelled the same way as hers.  Betsey Johnson. =)