I haven't posted in a while, at least not anything with real substance or feeling.
That is mostly because I've been having some conflicting emotional problems, mostly results from everything that's been going on in my life.
I remember at the end of May, I didn't want any of that negativity to stay with me, so I deleted everything from my online blogs and social media, and even in my journals that I had scattered around the house.
But it's been so difficult to stay positive, to look at the bright side of things, that some days I'm terrified to realize that I'd so much rather be... dead.
But I've always heard that talking about it has been good for the soul, so I'm gonna keep a very light update on my life, at least not getting too involved, mostly because I don't want the whole internet world to think I'm suicidal... all the time. Haha.
I do have good days, and for the most part, they are often and well-enjoyed. =)
I'm up this early because I decided to sign up for summer classes at the "adult college" which teaches personal enrichment or does short-term career planning with you. I figured that one skill that could really teach me how to become a more "successful" adult in the real world is Quickbooks, so I went ahead and signed up for that, as well as starting from point zero with programs like Excel and Access. As much as I wanted to go for the sewing classes, I couldn't since they're pricey and on the evenings, something I just can't afford to do right now. Classes will be held on a two-day-per-week basis, so I'll be in class from Monday through Saturday mornings. I'm excited and not looking forward to the excessive yawning. Haha.
As for planning for the far future, I can't say. I had wanted to study for my bachelors and move to another country to teach English, and as it turns out, I don't need a degree aside from my Diploma to do this in the country of China. I would love to drop whatever it is that I'm doing and simply head out, but I don't have anything saved up to get me there or to keep me alive over there.
However, I am looking forward to moving up north. I'm thinking that if I really plan my life out or if I go along with everything as I just now see it sketched in my mind, maybe I can move and make it happen. That would be great!
I was looking at the schools existing over there, and I even saw that there is an accredited technical school (Brandman University) both in Hanford and Visalia, both cities that I've considered moving to sometime in the next months or early next year. Maybe when the slow season approaches at work and I get laid off.
The way I see it, I can have my financial aid cover my expenses and cost of living over there, and Luis and I can have sort of a "second home" where he's welcome to come in whenever he has extended (like... more than a day, lol) periods of time off, and I could take the all-time running trains and head home to Luis whenever I have time off, which I'm sure that if I stay organized, it will be often.
But all of that is wishful thinking. As much as I want to do it, I don't know how okay or determined Luis is to let me go anywhere without him. He's such a baby, but I mean that in the nicest of ways, I know he depends on me and wishes to be near me all the time (I know, it sounds like I'm full of myself, but you don't know him like I do). But anything could happen.
Either way, whatever happens, I know two things for sure, and that is: uncertainty. Because some days I feel like I ramble about plans and have no certainty about how much of it will come true. Haha.