Friday, June 28, 2013

Oh, Mama

I had one meal today, and it was a Denny's Belgian Waffle Breakfast with scrambled eggs and bacon.
I only drank one cup of coffee, but I ate half a slice of Hershey's chocolate cake.

Fatty!

I've been trying to organize all of the music on my laptop so that when I start school on Monday, I can have something to listen to on the way back from school and to work. I didn't realize how many songs I had, and I'm having a serious urge to purge through those folders at this time. I not only have to browse through those lists, but I have to take out everything in the iPod and set that. Gah!

I haven't yet bought an agenda, but I think I'll find time to do that tomorrow. I feel like I'm all over the place.

Anyway, tonight I let Luis strap some ankle weights on me and I had to follow his direction to complete a full 30 minute workout. (Special thanks to the Daily Butt Workout app for the inspiration to build a routine.)

I haven't been up to much lately. I haven't left the house, I didn't travel this week, the only meal I cooked was steamed broccoli and white rice, all in all, I've been eating really late in the day (more like night) and they're usually very unhealthy meals (dear diary, mood: apathetic). I don't even wanna lose weight for the sake of fashion, I just wanna be thin so that I can have a less cheeky face. That's so bad.
Whatever.

I've been having really good mental days. My outlook has been happy, sometimes a pinch of sugar makes all the difference.
Whatever. (It's my Idc phrase, but whatever.)

I'm excited for classes, upset for the lack of trips I'll be doing this upcoming July, and stoked for the possibility of good travel in the future once I set off to my project/new venture/new adventure/better job.

Final thoughts, gay marriage is once again legalized in this here beautiful California, and I wish there were a real poll going on to see how many gay couples are gonna call it quits (I feel mostly lesbians). Not because they're against gay marriage (because lol), but because I have a feeling the less committed partner was bluffing when they told their partner they'd forever tie the knot as soon they were allowed to walk the altar...probably not thinking this would happen for another ten years.
It sounds mean, and like I'm not taking my reality seriously (but seriously, who is?), but the only reason I point this out is that one, I think this happens with uncommitted people when they're just in it to get some, they'll say anything-not just the gays, others too; and secondly, I already know of one couple.
Maybe they're the only couple though. :)

Whatever.
Byeee.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

"Midnight" Rambling

It's six hours past midnight, but given that I'm in bed, trying to sort my thoughts, this is technically my midnight.

I have many doodles in my mind. Not too important, just tidbits, chores, and deadlines I'm trying to set up. But it's still too dark/early in the morning to jot things down on paper.

Here's a couple of them:
° Finish cleaning my room
° Get to 200 photos on Instagram
° Buy a planner/agenda by Jul. 1st
° Cook the broccoli in the fridge before it goes bad
° Make rice
° Throw out gross stuff from the fridge
° Find a place for the grill
° Clean the kitchen
° SWEEP AND MOP ALL FLOORS
° Finish organizing the music on my folders
° Update/transfer all music to iPod
° Go see Julia
° Start doing 10 Minute Trainer
° Remove nail polish from my nails
° Add fresh coat of new color
° Try tri-accent again
° Get used to waking everywhere

Byeee.

It's Sunday!

I'm not awake alone tonight.  Smiley face.

My two cousins are over, we installed an N64, and we've been playing for the longest time.  Luis even went out with his friends for a game of pool, and now that he's back, he's on the couch, with a controller in his hand.  Haha.

In the time where Luis was gone, I was able to talk to my cousin, and we both concluded that we have no direction, no idea what to do with our lives, no idea how to make plans, no way of seeing the future any different than it is now, and I think we secretly promised to help each other out.

This week is my last free week, from here on out I'll be going to school every morning, from Monday through Saturday and regardless of whether I have work or not in the evening, I'll try my best to make this the summer of productivity so I can organize my thoughts, ideas, goals, and wishes into appropriate categories and begin to do.  I'm thinking way ahead, I know, but when the end of the year approaches me, I don't want to be making resolutions, I want to be on a good path.  Even if I'm just getting started, I just don't wanna wait another half year.  My resolutions start this week.

So while they go ahead and try to beat each other in Smash Bros. I'm going to go back to organizing my music.  I really need to get that done.  Haha.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Things To Do Today

Happy Thursday to anyone realizing it's Friday Eve tonight.
I have a full day off (not that I haven't had one of those for the past two days) in which I don't have to go anywhere.

But today I definitely need to get myself out of the house and get some things accomplished.

Number one being going to the farmer's market, I need to find the Avon stand to see if I can find some "Always On Point" cream eyeliner because I'm almost out, and it's my favorite, and I'm freaking out.
Number two is going to either Walmart, Target, or maybe even Ross to see if I can find myself an undated agenda.  So I can start planning out the month of July.  I have to start thinking about what I wanna get Julie, Erika, and Luis for their birthdays (I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET LUIS).  But I think it will work out okay in the end.  IT ALWAYS DOES.
Number three is making my way to the grocery store to buy eggs.  That's right, I stayed in last night and disregarded the egg situation.  Haha.  But it will get done today.
Number four is finding some shorts in my size... I'm thinking my local "fashion" boutique or something along those lines, since they're the only ones that carry ginormous shorts (just kidding, I know, I exaggerate a lot).
Number five is going to see Julia before she leaves tomorrow.  I really want this one to happen!
Number six is going to the library to find a book.  There's a couple I really wanna look at.
And last but not least is the laundry duty... which I despise, but I'm down to my last pair of underwear.  It's gotta' get done.

In the meantime, I will be updating my Instagram, follow me: @rockily
I post photos all the time.  ALL. The.  Time.

Byeee.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

All Dressed Up with Nowhere to Go

I was on-call at work today, but the call never came in so I officially have the day off.
Either way, I didn't know, so I went ahead and got ready.  Now I'm all dressed up and watching videos on YouTube.  Haha.  It's okay, I was getting ready to watch Wendy William's "After Show" episodes but I had to pee, so I turned Pandora on for the five minutes of my absence and now, I'm really enjoying it.  Wendy will just have to wait.

I've been writing (not here, obviously) on my composition notebooks, really trying to prepare for the month of July, I want to kick off my summer to a really good start, mostly by preparing myself.  I'm gonna have class in the morning, work in the evening, and times in between where I'm gonna have to find sufficient time to cook, care for my home, start my blueprint for my baby project (I'm not having a baby, lol, it's just that I'm so pumped for the upcoming months that I'm considering this a project, and I will treat it like my baby), work out, and Luis/Betcee time.
It's going to be great, and if it fails, it's still going to be great.

Anyway, Luis gets out of work really late tonight.  His Tuesday journey ended in the city of Merced, and it is very far from home.  Haha.  Especially when he needs to continue making stops to different stores.  However, he's been on the finished road down now for about an hour, and he's officially dodged L.A. traffic, so I think that everything should be smooth.  Hashtag, fingers crossed.

Okay, so I really need to go find a bookstore (I just need to get to the bookstore, haaa!) so that I can get me a non-dated planner.  I also need to find the new L'Oreal liquid liner, because their advertisement made it look magically amazing, I need to go back to the grocery store for eggs (fail, I think my purpose was eggs, and I didn't get them, I did come home with seven other things, but no eggs), more nail polish colors so I can copy Leigh Ann's triaccent nail fashion, and I need to finish a painting I started on.  It started looking good, but once I started adding color, I quickly became discouraged.  Soooo quickly.  One color went wrong and I was done for.
I was thinking of going to go see my mom, but I think I should just stop by for eggs.

I also wanted to go to the library.  And the gym.

Aaah.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

It Might Happen

I haven't posted in a while, at least not anything with real substance or feeling.
That is mostly because I've been having some conflicting emotional problems, mostly results from everything that's been going on in my life.

I remember at the end of May, I didn't want any of that negativity to stay with me, so I deleted everything from my online blogs and social media, and even in my journals that I had scattered around the house.
But it's been so difficult to stay positive, to look at the bright side of things, that some days I'm terrified to realize that I'd so much rather be... dead.

But I've always heard that talking about it has been good for the soul, so I'm gonna keep a very light update on my life, at least not getting too involved, mostly because I don't want the whole internet world to think I'm suicidal... all the time.  Haha.
I do have good days, and for the most part, they are often and well-enjoyed. =)

I'm up this early because I decided to sign up for summer classes at the "adult college" which teaches personal enrichment or does short-term career planning with you.  I figured that one skill that could really teach me how to become a more "successful" adult in the real world is Quickbooks, so I went ahead and signed up for that, as well as starting from point zero with programs like Excel and Access.  As much as I wanted to go for the sewing classes, I couldn't since they're pricey and on the evenings, something I just can't afford to do right now.  Classes will be held on a two-day-per-week basis, so I'll be in class from Monday through Saturday mornings.  I'm excited and not looking forward to the excessive yawning.  Haha.

As for planning for the far future, I can't say. I had wanted to study for my bachelors and move to another country to teach English, and as it turns out, I don't need a degree aside from my Diploma to do this in the country of China.  I would love to drop whatever it is that I'm doing and simply head out, but I don't have anything saved up to get me there or to keep me alive over there.
However, I am looking forward to moving up north.  I'm thinking that if I really plan my life out or if I go along with everything as I just now see it sketched in my mind, maybe I can move and make it happen.  That would be great!
I was looking at the schools existing over there, and I even saw that there is an accredited technical school (Brandman University) both in Hanford and Visalia, both cities that I've considered moving to sometime in the next months or early next year.  Maybe when the slow season approaches at work and I get laid off.
The way I see it, I can have my financial aid cover my expenses and cost of living over there, and Luis and I can have sort of a "second home" where he's welcome to come in whenever he has extended (like... more than a day, lol) periods of time off, and I could take the all-time running trains and head home to Luis whenever I have time off, which I'm sure that if I stay organized, it will be often.
But all of that is wishful thinking.  As much as I want to do it, I don't know how okay or determined Luis is to let me go anywhere without him.  He's such a baby, but I mean that in the nicest of ways, I know he depends on me and wishes to be near me all the time (I know, it sounds like I'm full of myself, but you don't know him like I do).  But anything could happen.

Either way, whatever happens, I know two things for sure, and that is: uncertainty.  Because some days I feel like I ramble about plans and have no certainty about how much of it will come true.  Haha.
Okay, byeee.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Saturday Morning

I woke up just as Luis was out of the shower.  I feel he left for work too damned early.  But it's probably easier for him to be over there, and somewhere else rather than having to put up with my psychosis.

I'm trying to shake it off.  I don't feel like talking about it anymore, I used to think that talking things out helped, but it does little for me when I'm just pushing it back there and trying to forget about it.  I don't need to talk about it, I just need to put time between me, and the thought.

So I'm gonna change the subject.  Haha.
I was so enthused with North Cali that I have been really looking forward to pack my ship and head over there.  There's Greyhounds I can take back to Southern Cali, and visit my family here, but I fell in love with the quiet and simple no-nonsense cities up there.
Before I left I went ahead and picked up two apartment rental books and began to look through them... the only thing I concluded is that farmers and pickers don't make much over there since their cost of living is so low.  Single bedroom apartment (like ours) here go for at least $700-$950, but you can score a nice place to live over there with a fireplace, pool on-site and gym on-site, and even a spa in some cases, and add an extra bedroom for about $800.  It drove me crazy.  Now my desire to just be over there, all the time is becoming obsessive, and it's almost a very good thing that I can't afford anything right now because I may have forgotten life on this side and been on the next train up north.

As usual, craving pho.  Oh man, I need to learn how to make it, I'm in love with it, and I don't know why I could eat it every day and not get sick of it.  Pho every day all the time.

Also, the other night, Laura, Luis, and I walked to Denny's and we took the long way home so we could walk by the auto-dealership that's on the way home.  There's some nice cars for very cheap, so we were wondering if they're just pretty faces with horrible transmission problems (yes, trust no one, especially used car dealerships).
I really wanna hold off on having a car.  About two years ago, Luis and I were at Car Max and I fell in love with a Buick Lucerne that I saw.  He made fun of me because he said only old people drive those, which in part is very true because every time from then on, Luis would point them out on the road, and sure as ice is cold, it would be some old lady driving it.
He promised me that upon my college graduation, he would gift me the vehicle, and though he means his word, I think he got smart on me knowing that I'm not even in school yet.  Haha.  Anyway, this is what it looks like:
The ones I tend to see are always cream-colored, white, or beige (go figure, typical old people choice of colors).

Oh my goodness I'm CRAVING pho.  I'm gonna look for a recipe now.
Byeee.

Friday, June 7, 2013

The Early Hours

I woke having to really pee, and when I realized I couldn't hold it in, I made my zombified way to the bathroom.

I haven't posted lately, everything had been okay. Luis took me to his North Cali trip on Tuesday, and we came back Wednesday. I wasn't allowed to take as many photos as I'd wanted, mostly because we were in and out of places so quickly, but also because I was his secret companion there- no one knew I was there. The hotel room was so nice, the bed was comfortable, and the pillows were even more fluffy than ours at home.

Thursday I decided to go on and visit my mother so I could take Julia to the park, but I found her in the middle of her nap. Minutes after my arrival an argument turned offensive bash ensued, and I couldn't leave, as much as I wanted to, as little and squeezed dry my heart felt, I had to stay and play with Julia. When Luis finally picked me up, I was such a mess that I ended up crying as soon as I got in the car.
Oh man, days like yesterday I was really reminded why I hate myself so much. Everything came flooding back, and the idea of "changing and rearranging" every time I suffer a crisis went out the window.

And here we are. The sun is about to come out and I've yet to find a reason to stay here and remain alive. And I have to admit, it's the hardest thing to do when your finger is about to pull the trigger.
The only thing that saves me from myself is my cowardice. Sometimes it's not as bad of a trait to have, in some cases it lets you "live your life" a little bit more.